I am glad so many people have a dad they are spending Father’s Day with this weekend. In my circumstances things do not go that way. I did have a father growing up, but he was not my dad. I am going to share some things that have been holding me back for decades with you. I hope this helps you in your life or you child’s life. I have not had the best life, but I hope someone else will have a better one.
Childhood can be Difficult
When I look back on my life I see mistakes I made or my parents made. I wish I could go back and change the past, but that is not possible. There are times I wonder if it should have had happened if choices my parents made were better. What we do does not only have an effect on us, but has an effect on others. It is like dropping a pebble in a lake causing the ripple effect.
One ripple causes another and then another as they get bigger. It depends on how we are taught if they are good ripples are bad ripples.
Early in my childhood
When I was seven my parents got divorced. I do not remember much before that but I do remember that day. The day when my mom came to my room at night and told me we had to go. I don’t remember exactly what happened but I do remember leaving. I still have a picture in my head what the house looked like and where we lived then. I also remember my mother, my sister, and I visiting my step-dad before we left my father. I have thought for years they planned it out and come to find out a few years ago they did. I didn’t learn anything about my father until I was in my mid 20s. I have felt since my teen years that my mom was keeping me away from him.
When I was going to public school I didn’t fit in. I always got picked on, harassed, and threatened. I talked to my mom and step-dad about getting into sports like baseball. They would say, “You can’t do that.” or “I don’t know how to get you signed up.”. Well when I was going to public school it would be easy to call someone at the school to find out when and where. My mom would be concerned about me doing things like sports because I am an epileptic. When I was a child there were some real bad times because medicine wasn’t as good then as it is now. Although as I grew up the seizures did get worse and the medicine changed and dosage went up. In 2012 I had surgery to my right temporal lobe and had part of it removed. To say the least I was brain dead. Since then I have not had a seizure or pre-seizure aura. I still take meds, but a lot less, and last year I had supposedly a stroke, but it was diagnosed as not a seizure. Although I have had epilepsy since I was 10 months old and that has made my mom very protective of me. I have always had the desire to become someone great. I do feel held back. Somethings I could never do, but others like sports I could do it just takes a little effort.
I would tell my step-dad that I wanted to do sports. I asked him to play catch, or throw a ball for me, or play kickball, something to do outside with him. He never wanted to play with me. When I asked him to go bowling he sometimes said yes. The reason being he was into bowling, even on a league, but I wasn’t that much into it. Whenever I did something he didn’t care for he didn’t want anything to do with me, but if I would do something he liked and not invite him he would be offended. I couldn’t make everything work for him. I never really got to know him until I went to college. It is interesting I learned more about him when I moved out than when I lived there.
Growing up is hard to do
My mother was the one who was there for me as I was growing up. When I was in the fifth grade I was getting threats. She was told of a private Christian school from a co-worker of her’s. His wife was a teacher and recommended that my mom send me there. My mom informed me of the school and I said, “Let’s do it!”.
I liked the school I went to. I went skiing in the winter, bowling and swimming in the summer. One thing I learned looking back on it is that a bad apple spoils the bunch. It started out good until one jerk made me into the outcast. I do not really fully regret it, wish it could have been better, because I did make a few good friends. They are ones that taught me what friendship is about. I have learned that loyalty is important and that sacrifice is true friendship like being a brother.
At this time in my life I was around 16 and not getting any respect at home. No matter what I did for them it was not enough for my parents. Don’t get me wrong they said thank-you, but that isn’t always enough. I grew up being responsible to earn respect from my parents and get a little trust. That did not happen then and it still hasn’t happened in the last 20 years since then. When I was still a teenager I accepted it because I was still a kid, under their roof, and had no knowledge of what the world was truly like. Unfortunately I did move out to go to college, didn’t graduate, for four years. I returned to their home to find a job in my home town and get my own place. I thought they would treat me as an adult, I was wrong. I think this is where I started a downward spiral into depression because I was stuck with them off and on for 14 years of my adult life. I had to lie about drinking because my step-dad did not approve of it rather it was at home or at a bar, even though his son, my step-brother, drinks beer everyday when he gets home from work.
Being An Adult Is Not A Piece Of Cake
When I was young I always thought that parents had it easy. Oh boy was I ever wrong. Life is never simple. Everyday there is something a little complex. It can be getting to appointments, paying bills, going to work when you feel like crap, or just making to the next day. Today there is so many bills it seems unreal. It seems every week we get paid it either goes to bills, food, or the kids. Life can be complicated.
My mom called me Friday while I was on lunch break. That is one thing I don’t like because we only get 20 minutes and she doesn’t know how to talk quick. She asked if I was coming over on Father’s Day. I told her, “I don’t know. Depends how I fell after working this weekend.”. Well I just lied again because I didn’t have to work this weekend and I was probably not going in. I did not want to get into a argument at work. I have been teller her for at least a decade that I did not see him as my dad. That he never had a father son relationship with me, he never gave anything up for me and letting me know, he never told me he loved me unless he had to, and he stood in my way to have an relationship with my birth father. She denied a lot of it, but she can’t deny want she doesn’t understand. I really tried to make us a family because family is really important, but family isn’t always those under one roof. Family is those who stick together through thick or thin, those who will give up an hour of television just to make you happy, or those who will never criticize you for something you really like and they really dislike just because they want to be right. I wish we could go back in time and change the mistakes we made in the pass to make the present or future we want. That will never happen.
Check out more
WebMD. (2018). Epilepsy: What is Seizure With Aura?. [online] Available at: https://www.webmd.com/epilepsy/seizure-with-aura [Accessed 17 Jun. 2018].