We all have those times in life we really do not like to talk about. I know because I have had them more then once. I just read a blog of a person who has attempted suicide, have anger issues, and cannot trust anyone. It gave me a flashback to about 10 years ago. I feel I should share this to everyone and I hope this helps anyone who even thinks about suicide because life is not fair, life is challenging. This is why my blog is called Challenge In Life.
I have had issues my whole life. Since I was ten months old I have had epilepsy. When i was 5 I almost died from having multiple seizures all day long. Since then I have been lucky to be alive. In 2012 I had surgery in my left temporal lobe had part of it removed to fix the seizures. Since then the seizures have stopped. I have to stay on my meds for the rest of my life, but I am on a lot less than I use to be. About a year ago I had a stroke and since I have had memory issues.
The Good Times A Long Time Ago
When I first started out on my own back in 2000 I felt everything was good. I made new friends, had a job, got a promotion, and was free from my parents. I was happy. I did some things that I regret today but that is not what we are talking about. I was building my confidence in being a man. Things started going bad and I wussed out. I called my mother and went back to her place. I missed living on my own so I tried it again and went back to where I went when I moved out before. I got an old job back with no problem. Then things started to go bad at my parents’ home.
Family Comes First
I have always believed that family came first. Things have been going bad for years in my parents home, but that is because my step-dad has been developing dementia. It is like he is losing his mind. I moved back home to help my mom around the house so she could focus more on taking care of him. I was lucky because my employer got me transferred. I believe that was God working.
The Job is not Everything
I actually enjoyed the job, although it seems it comes to an end. I was working in a grocery store in the deli. Now this store was in the bad part of town and is no longer around. Customers that came in everyday had to complain about everything that is including how you sliced their meat, how much was in a pound, and how much it cost. Some things you cannot fix. I have always loved making people happy, but when I started here is when people complaining about the little things started getting my love for helping people to diminish. I was eventually terminated because a customer accused me of skipping him and called me racist. When you have five or six people coming up to the counter you just ask who is next and the first to respond gets helped first. It is sad even today there are people out there that are racist and those that play the racist card every time they do not get what they want. I was without a fulltime job for about two years after that. I had temp jobs, I delivered phone books one summer, and I helped my parents around the house. I even got back together with my father during that time. Although it was not all perfect.
Darkness Comes Look For The Light
When I lost my job I was angry. I wanted to hurt someone or something. I sometimes went out in the woods with a stick and pounded on dead trees to break things. I was hurt. I felt I put my all into the job and puff it was gone. My parents were not a lot of support. They kept bugging me to go find a job and not to rely on unemployment. The thing was it was already in my head. They did not need to keep saying anything. All they needed to say was, “I support you.” or “Keep up the good work.”. I did not know I was learning about positive reinforcement vs. negative reinforcement. Positive reinforcement is defined as adding a pleasant stimulus to enhance the behavior. Negative reinforcement is defined as removing an aversive stimulus to enhance behavior. Now trust me negative reinforcement is not a good thing.
I was in the darkest hole I had ever been in. It took all I could to find a job. I looked online and found nothing. There was one place I did not apply at because I did not like fish, Long John Silvers. I heard they were hiring and I figured I should apply. I also made sure I put my goal for management on my application since I got promoted at a previous job. I was hoping that would get me in the door at least and maybe get promoted eventually. I did not know I would get a little of each.
I was hired at LJS with the intent to promote. I got a little extra pay than a normal hire. The general manager and the area manager wanted me to learn everything. I did just that. I knew how to do everything and even before I got promoted I learned inventory and counting down a cash drawer. I really liked learning, but it comes to an end.
The general manager who hired me and promoted me retired after I had been there for three years. The assistant manager got promoted. She was one of the negative type people. I was new at being a manager and need some support. It took me awhile to get out when closing because I was making sure everything was right. She kept complaing that I was there too late. So I started rushing myself. Then my inventory was off and the safe or cash deposit was off. My assistant manager told me to take my time and get it done right. I was torn between a rock and a hard place. One day I was scheduled to open, which I was only trained one day and not intended to do, and I almost missed the time to make the deposit because I had an employee call off. They decided to demote me and I looked for a new job because my goal was gone.
Even though it did not turn out the way I wanted it to it was the light that brought me out of darkness. It gave me hope and the will to look into the future at what I could do.
Your Path May Not Be The Path
When I left LJS I decided I needed a good paying job so I could have a life. A friend of mine worked at a pharmaceutical company. The schedule was 12 hour shifts, but you worked two days and had two days off, worked one weekend and had one weekend off. It was not horrible but could have been better. I got stuck on night shift and could not get on days. It conflicted with my parents especially on the weekend. My step-dad had a problem about keeping his voice down and not talking when he was walking down the hallway. I was going to college online at the time as well. It was hard to compromise of what to do when I had off work. I wanted to help out but he always did things when I had to work. I eventually gave up and put my focus on work and college. If something needed done and I had the time I did it. Maybe I put too much on my plate and should have focused on moving forward in life and not college. I eventually lost my job because I forgot to do a procedure. Having seizures and memory issues due to the surgery has been a challenge and that’s why I lost the job.
History Repeats Itself
It did not take me long to find another job. I was a little angry that I got fired but not disappointed. I was looking around for a new job but did not find anything either I wanted or got a call back. I took about a month off to recoup from working 12 hour shifts on nights and to calm down some. I did not want to walk into a potential employer and look angry. I went to the temp agencies and I got an assignment and got hired after six months. I really enjoyed this job. I was testing military and commercial circuit boards. I even took a class and learned how to solder. I enjoyed the job. It came to an end the day when Human Resources questioned me on a board I moved to the wrong department. She had a email in the router that said it had to go there so I followed the instructions. Well unfortunately I misunderstood it or it could have been a little more direct by stating what step on the router. She referred to my misreading the email as “stupid” by calling me stupid. I took offense to that and lost my cool with her and reported her to the Vice-President. A few days later she terminates me. I think it is because she took it personal. Since it seems like I cannot hold a job down for more than four years I am looking into getting SSI. I hope I can do more for others now that I do not go to work everyday. I plan on volunteering when everything gets settled. Maybe there are more out there like me that I can help.
We Do Not Always Choose Our Path
Our path is not always our choice. The path we should be going down is set for us by God, but we do not always listen where we should go. Just because we choose the path does not mean it is our path. If we take the path God made for us the we would be on our path to get to our destination.
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Goldberg, MD, J. (2019). Types of Dementia. [online] WebMD. Available at: https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/guide/alzheimers-dementia#2 [Accessed 23 Mar. 2019].
Parenting For Brain. (2019). Positive And Negative Reinforcement (Examples, Punishment) – Parenting For Brain. [online] Available at: https://www.parentingforbrain.com/difference-between-positive-negative-reinforcement-and-punishment/#positive-reinforcement [Accessed 23 Mar. 2019].