My life was not simple. Childhood was difficult, teen years were hard, and going into adulthood seemed to be a killer. It was hard growing up and accepting my life. Getting over the past is hard, when you do it can come back to haunt you.
Childhood was not easy
Growing up is difficult in my opinion, although I would give anything to be a kid again. My parents got divorced when I was seven. I saw my dad for a few years after then it stopped. I didn’t see him again until I was 26. I was unemployed at the time and it was like God sent him to me.
My step-father has never been close to me. The main issue is he is from a different generation than my mother, thirteen years older than her. I tried to get close to him but it has seemed that he never did it to me. He thinks that buying me things like my first car shows love, I do not. I think time and sacrifice shows love. It can be throwing a baseball or giving up the TV remote it does not matter a small act of kindness will last longer than an object like a car. I cannot remember when he showed me an act of kindness without hesitation or frustration. That has hurt me for over thirty years and I am done with it. I have cut him off entirely.
My mother on the other hand has been good to me, a little over concerned, but good. I have had epilepsy since I was 10 months old. My mom has been a little overprotective not letting getting into sports, taking me out to hang with friends, or believing what I said. The meds I have been on over the years have made me drowsy, zombified, anti-social. This has made kids think I was weird. I was different am still am today. Although being more social and accepting people for whom they are helped me get to who I am. I did get into basketball and soccer in high school. The way I did it was not tell her about it until I was on the team. Played the guilt trip card. It made her feel more guilty to make me quit the team than to let me make the choice to take a chance.
Growing up is not easy
Did you ever think life was a little confusing? Well I did. When I was in my late teens into my 20s my spirit started coming out. I went to a baptist school and a pentecostal church. At school I learned the basics in Christianity: love one another, kindness, salvation, heaven and hell. When I went to church I learned more about praise and worship and women in the ministry. They had me believing in it firmly all because of a couple of scriptures. The pastors at this church were a couple 60s gurus that smoked joints and wanted peace. They established this church to spread what they believed. Their beliefs in dancing in church, speaking in tongues, and women as pastor brought up some conflicts in my soul. I prayed for almost a year for it and did some research. I stopped going and started watching the sermons on TV, eventually I returned to church at the school I graduated from. I felt like I was suppose to be there.
The first time leaving home can be hard. I went to college after I graduated high school. I did not graduate because I moved out of town and lived my life. I didn’t stay focused on college. Hindsight tells me I should of waited a semester and enjoyed my “free time” after high school. But cannot fix the past. I did learn a lot of what to do and what not to do, I think more of the latter. Eventually I got stressed and afraid of the next rent and wanted to go home. I called my mom and moved back home I also got transferred from the job I had to a local one in my hometown. Spending time with family was good I even went back to college and got my degree in Business Administration with a focus on Management. Things did get more difficult though.
When I was done with college I tried starting a business in advertising. At this time I was working on night shifts for twelve hours. I did some of the business while I was on break at work, just like I did my college discussions. I kept doing more research on advertising, targeting, and getting likes but I was not doing great. It seemed to be getting better, more affective. Then I lost my job and became severely depressed. I thought about suicide, I was angry at myself, I was hurt because I could not get someone to say, “It will be ok. I have your back.”. I felt alone and cast out from everyone. It took about a month for me to start casually looking for a job, but when my lawyer won me my unemployment I saw a ray of hope. I actually started looking online, selling things I did not need anymore, and going to temp to hire agencies. I got a job and today am still there. It isn’t my favorite job but I do like it. I wish I could go back to food service and get paid enough to live my life, but that road is gone. Now I am learning new things, living on my own, and I feel like I am at home.
I moved on a few years latter and went back into food service. I wanted to be a manager and got hired as crew to be promoted to manager. I was trained in everything and learned some manager task along the way. I was promoted about two years after I was hired. This gave me the passion to go back to college to learn more even start my own business. I lost my position due to my general manager’s scheduling. I was trained to close and work swing shifts. I was scheduled to open on a weekday and had inventory to do. I was not trained how to handle the shift and almost got to the bank late and ended up short a worker. Once I was demoted I saw my goals had changed. I found a better job. I was working twelve hour shifts three to four days a week. I was making about three times as much but had little time.
I like where I am at now but I hope to find someplace a little better. I would like to own my own house, have a dog, and grill out with friends. I want a job that I do not have to worry about getting mandated for overtime when I have things I want to do or need to do. Tell you the truth I wish I could hit the lottery so I would not have to worry about work again, but the truth is I would still get a job or volunteer somewhere. I enjoy working I just do not enjoy the idiots in charge. One day maybe a dream or two will come true in my life and maybe even in your life. Who knows maybe life is just a dream.
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