Category Archives: The 90s

How Stepfather Becomes Father

A stepfather is not a true father. There is a way he can become a dad though. A dad is a man that teaches the son to play baseball, talk about sports, advise on getting the first girlfriend, and help them make difficult decisions in life but accepts their decision. It is hard when the stepfather does not do any of these and more. When a man gains enough trust to become father and then fails later in life they may lose the trust they had from the beginning as stepfather.

Dos and Don’ts A Stepfather Should Do

The reason I am writing this is because I am one of the 2/3 of the people of the United States in a divorced family. I have had good and bad times growing up, but looking back it seems to be more bad times. I hope a stepfather, mother, or child reads and shares this to help others out like all of us in broken families.

1. Stepfathers Don’t Criticize Your Stepchildren, Instead Complicate What They Do Well and Encourage Them Positively To Do Better.

Now I can hear everyone now, “I never criticize my stepchild.”. Well you may not think so, but I will guarantee if it has a negative word in it the child takes it negative.

When I was a child and my stepfather was teaching me how to use a drill I always had problems holding the drill straight and perpendicular to the board. He would always yell at me and tell me that is not the way you do it! I always felt like a failure, I could not make him happy, and if i could not do it then he should do it himself. He still really has not changed over the last thirty years, but you can.

Instead of talking negative, talk positive. Tell them they are doing a good job. Then ask them what are they doing right and what are they doing wrong. Whatever they say do not say NO. Let us say they are like I was as a child and could not drill straight through. Let us also say they do not mention they are drilling wrong. Well then ask them to show you how they drill without turning the drill on. As soon as you see the drill incorrect then ask them if they see anything wrong at this moment. If they continue to avoid the problem then tell them the drill is in the wrong position. It needs to be straight up and down so the drill goes through the wood nice and easy. Pointing out a problem is not being negative, it is actually positive because you are avoiding a problem by making the child aware. They may not listen the first few times, but eventually they will listen willing and not to stop you from yelling at them. When they listen to you a few times you will get respect from them and with respect comes trust and honesty. Also love is where all these emotions come from, so the more respect, trust, and honesty you get from your child the more love will grow.

2. The Difference in Generations Have a Bearing on What We Like on Television

There can be a pretty big gap in generations when it comes to parents getting remarried. There are many differences in generations. When I was a kid there was no internet, the Atari came out a couple years before I was born, I grew up playing the Nintendo, Sega Genesis, and Sony Playstation. I was in high school when the internet came to the home on dial up. Now there is PS4, Xbox, Netflix, and high speed internet no more weird sounds when getting online. Just think that was almost 40 years ago. What if I was married to a woman from 60, 65, or 70 years ago things were different before the 80’s.

It is not wrong to marry the person you love, rather it is your first marriage or second marriage. What is wrong is not taking in consideration the whole family. If it is a remarriage then the children need to be considered. A mate that is about your age would more than likely be better than one with a great age difference, rather they are 20 years older or younger. If it is a mate that is 20+ years difference then the children definitely need tested on how well they can relate.

One of the great things today is technology. One thing you can do is give them some alone time with their potential step parent and point a webcam at them to see how well they get along. They may behave or act differently with their parent there, so leaving the room is a good way to see their reactions. Do not need to make it all day. Just go get something from your car and watch it on your smartphone. You see problems from the child or potential mate talk to them to solve the problem. Also stepfather will be step father not dad. Give them the choice rather to use their name to address him, stepfather needs to treat the stepson with a little more love and respect, and there needs to be bonding. If this cannot begin before the marriage then he is not what is needed for the family. Mom is not marrying for a husband, but a husband and father. It is like buying a Big Mac combo. The Big Mac is hot and good, but the fries are old and cold. The Big mac represents the husband and the fries represent the stepfather. What would you do if you could not get fresh fries, toss them in the trash. You may eat the cold fries now and then because you are really hungry, starving for love, but eventually you will see the truth, that it is not worth to satisfy the hunger now and then you would rather have it fully satisfied. When this happens you will feel rejected from you stepfather. You may spend time trying to figure it out or you may just accept it and move on. It has taken me a long time to accept that I have never been accepted as a son. This year I have decided to move forward and live my life, my way, and follow Jesus Christ.

The difference in years may cause many conflicts. These need resolved before marriage or the family will fall apart and there will be no happiness. Some people are meant to be friends, not spouses.

Bon Jovi: It’s My Life

3. Having Support Growing Up

We all need support everyday. It helps our confidence. That is why when we have a positive person with us at work the day goes great, but when a negative person is there it seems everything goes wrong. It is all in your mind. It is the same but different when growing up with a negative stepfather or one who does not support your decisions as you grow up.

I want to talk about video games. The reason is because i was so into them when growing up especially the role playing games (RPGs). My sister on the other hand enjoy playing video games, but she loved writing and still does it today. We both have a creative mind, but I am more of a visual and she has a greater imagination.

When I would be downstairs all day playing the video games my stepfather could not comprehend why I would play them all day. I would tell him that I put them on pause to eat. He took it too serious. One problem was he could and never did understand what a video game meant to us. It was intriguing, solving problems, reaching goals, beating things up, and just having fun. I tried to relate it to what he did as a child. I told him to think about the one thing you did as a child you did that was the most fun. Now today that is video games the most fun thing to do. He told me he didn’t have any fun. Well I do not believe that. The point is he would talk negative of what my interest was. When Facebook came around he talk down on that and he never even gets online. Speaking negative about everything your stepson has interest in hurts your relationship and hurts his emotions and confidence. Show him support to their interest, as long as they are legal, rather you have interest or understand it. Setting limits is a good thing. Especially while the child is still in school. You do not want them to get distracted chatting on Facebook when they need to be doing homework. Although they can be chatting with a friend to help them with their homework or to study. They need to make you aware what they are doing. I believe go over video on Facebook would be better to study with a friend than typing. Free up your hands to take notes, look through books, and do flash cards.

It is also great to know when you do a good job at any stage in life. It builds confidence. If you always get criticized you will develop a negative mind a think everything you hear is negative. Saying “thank-you” or “please” is not hard to do, but it means so much especially to a child. It makes them feel appreciated. Also an allowance as they grow up is good. Not only does it give them positive mind, but it can help them budget money for the future. I know with income vs. expenses these days it is not easy, but when it comes to lunch money, money for sports or band, camping, or any other extra expenses you have for them that you just hand them money for make them earn it. Give them chores and tell them that this money is for whatever you intend it for. That they need to save the money so they can get lunch, let’s say. Also tell them if they have any money at the end of the week they can keep it for whatever the want with your permission. This will help them learn when to spend and when to save. May even teach then to take a sacrifice for what they really want. It will just be like transferring money from a savings to checking account. Money is still in the bank, but will be spent. it takes responsibility off of you as well.

Conclusion Of StepFathers

When growing up from a child to teen to adult it can be hard when there is almost no support through the challenging times we have in life. When a boy does not have a man to bond with it feels like you are alone and fighting an endless battle. It takes a team to win the Super Bowl, not just one player. Family needs to be a team. They need to talk, agree on solutions, give a little to get a little, and to show love. I did not get much of this in my life, but I did learn from his mistakes. God works in mysterious ways.

 

References

Bon Jovi: It’s My Life – Official Music Video. (2017). YouTube. Retrieved 15 January 2017, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUEe5cFotww

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God’s Advice That Should Be Followed Throughout All Life: “Be Kind One To Another”

We all have a complicated life. Some of us have problems with finances, some of us with friends, some of us with the lost of a loved one, and some have problems with peers and parents growing up. I am going to focus on the latter. I am focusing on a problem I have had since I was seven. It has been difficult for me to comprehend because the Bible says,

Ephesians 4: 31,32

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

The main point is “Be kind on to another”. When people can never be kind it is hard to put away the bitterness.

Childhood was Difficult and not Happy

I have always believed childhood should be a happy time. A time to learn, to grow up, to experience new things all the time, but now I look back a believe that childhood is a rough hard road that we need to battle. We grow strength from learning from our challenges, unfairness, and the neglect we had as a child. When we grow up we are responsible for ourselves and have full control.

School was not always great

There are reasons I believe this. One of the main ones is because of all the troubles I had in school. I was always harassed in elementary school. My step-father, which I will get to soon, did not believe me, my mother did although. When I was in public school my sister saw kids pushing me around, calling me names, and even trying to pick a fight.

When I was in the second grade I begged my mother to take me out of public school. She did and put me into a Christian school. I made a few friends there, which are still friends today, but there were more jerks then nice people. I still got picked on, but the teachers and the principal did something about it. I even got into a couple fights my four years there. One was when we were on our ski trip. When the principal found out he pulled the guy off the slopes and sat him in the ski resort. The principal also suspended him. My friend left that school and went to a different Christian school so I went with them.

School gets better

This is the school I graduated from and the church I go to today. Here I had more friends, but had some religious differences. There were a few people I wish were never there, but we cannot have a day go the way we want it to all the time. Some things happen for a reason, because God has a purpose for it. One thing I have learned from what I put up with through school is always be kind to people around you. You may never know if a person is having a good day or bad day, lost a loved one or expecting a newborn, or has a lot of stress on their mind or is the happiest person on earth. Keep your mind open because you may be there to save a person or they are there to save you.

Father issues since I was a child

Now earlier I mentioned about my step-father not believing me on the problems I had in school. Well it did not stop there. I do not always believe a person at first, but when it gets consistent then I get curious if it is true or not. That has never been my step-dad.

When I wanted to go out to eat on Sunday after church I knew I had to  bother my mother. If I even mentioned it to my step-father he would not take us out. Then I wondered if he did not take us because we asked to go. I thought he did not like us asking to go out to eat. Now I believe it was because it was not his idea. Looking back in life with my step-father he was and is a self-centered, egotistical, selfish, jerk. My whole life I have never liked people like this. The last decade it has been a lot worse. As of New Year’s Day I have had enough! I have cut him off as my step-father, I am no longer talking to him, nor offering any help. It is over 30 years of he is always right and everyone else is always wrong. What happened that Sunday is not really significant. I will say he was saying I was wrong and I had non-argumentative proof that I was right. When a person cannot admit they are wrong sincerely they are guilty of pride and arrogance.

Proverbs 8:13

 

“The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate.”

You may wonder why I would cut him out of my life. Well it is not as simple as going out to eat after church. He has always been negative. I have been ambitious since I was in high school. Words affect you especially if you hear them your entire life. When all you hear are negative word from a person they make you think negative. Although I have always had a drive to be someone better than him, better than me. I always want to improve myself one way or another. So it has always been like an ongoing fight that no one ever wins. It is no longer worth being near such a negative person that it holds my life, my mind back so much I cannot believe in myself. Now I am focusing entirely on myself. It may sound selfish, but I have given so much of my life away it is time to live. It may not stay constant. Once I am living maybe things will settle, but until then it is time to start my life.

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(“EPHESIANS 4:31 KJV “Let All Bitterness, And Wrath, And Anger, And Clamour, And Evil Speaking, Be Put Away From You, With All Malice:””)

(“PROVERBS 8:13 KJV “The Fear Of The LORD [Is] To Hate Evil: Pride, And Arrogancy, And The Evil Way, And The Froward Mouth, Do I Hate.””)

Family Conflict: Will Find Solution in the New Year

I have been living with my parents for too long. It use to be nice. They would listen to my opinion, let me help them, and even let me live a private life; but that has all changed in the last six years. I feel like a mother does when her child grows up and leaves the nest. I feel like I am not needed or wanted anymore. I do not believe that is a fact though. They do need help but I need my independence and freedom. Maybe when I leave they will know I am not always there to help, maybe they would call one day and ask.

I wrote this letter below this year to express how I felt. I wanted to share this because everyone needs to realize the way you act influences others around you. When you are an inspiration in a person’s life, rather a parent, a manager, or a best friend, you can really hurt them when you turn negative towards them. When you have problems that are really hard on you talk to your friends, family, church, or therapist. It does really help. Be aware of how you speak. We need to see the positive side of the day. For example today it is cloudy and raining with a chance of freezing rain. This is a fact so do not look down on it like you cannot go out and do yard work. You may wounder why I say this? I say this because my neighbor chopped down a dying tree between our property line. He is out there right now, in the cold and rain, sawing the tree, now that is being optimistic. If you think you cannot do anything because it is cold and raining then you are a pessimistic. If you believe you need a jacket and maybe an umbrella to go outside then you are a realist. It is better to be a realist that leans to optimism because you need a good balance between being positive and reality. Six years ago I use to have that good balance now I am mostly a realist. I want to go back to being the way I was. Read the letter and let me know what your opinion is.

You are wondering why I refuse to speak to you and I am avoiding you. The reason is to avoid conflict and negativism. I am always argued with a fact or statement I say. I could say, “The sky is blue.” You would argue, “It is cloudy out.” Negativism is a negative or pessimistic attitude. A tendency to resist external commands, suggestions, or expectations, or internal stimuli, as hunger, by doing nothing or something contrary or unrelated to the stimulus. (Random House, Inc, 2015) This causes conflicts and it hurts me emotionally and mentally. This is just a minor thing, because I have come to a conclusion in my teen years that someone will always want to argue with another person. I did not expect it would be you arguing with me stating a fact.
The main reason I decided never to be with you again is because I am not wanted with your family. I do not have a family in this house, I have no home. I have thought when I was in Harrisburg that I would be alone for a long time. I did not think it was forever and you and Gene would abandon me. I have nights I cry myself to sleep because I am all alone. I then remember the family I have, that are not blood, but are truly family. I have a brother, a little sister, a mom and dad, a quarky old guy, and a sister going to college. They feel like family. We have different opinions. We voice are opinions, but we do not yell at one another because we are different. We joke around and if one gets offend by a joke we apologize and never joke about it again. We do not require explanation of everything in our lives. We have our privacy and we respect each other by not intruding into another’s privacy. This is not special it is common in a family relationship it is known as respect. Respect is to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with. (Random House, Inc, 2015)
What you need to know is… I would never refuse to watch a show if I just did not like it. I have done that every day. Common sense says if a person watches something he doesn’t like and refuses to watch a particular show that person must have an issue with that show. The answer to the question you probably have, yes I have a mental issue with Heartland. I have had nightmares just seeing the credits play and I left the room. If you wonder why, well join the club. I will never understand why Heartland is more important than I am. You made your choice and now you will have to live with it. One day I will be out of this state and never let you know where I am. That will be the day I will have the first day of peace in my life.
Feeling Lonely and Rejected,
Ryan Carson

Source

respect. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved December 26, 2016 from Dictionary.com website http://www.dictionary.com/browse/respect

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