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Dark Path Of Life

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We all have those times in life we really do not like to talk about. I know because I have had them more then once. I just read a blog of a person who has attempted suicide, have anger issues, and cannot trust anyone. It gave me a flashback to about 10 years ago. I feel I should share this to everyone and I hope this helps anyone who even thinks about suicide because life is not fair, life is challenging. This is why my blog is called Challenge In Life.

I have had issues my whole life. Since I was ten months old I have had epilepsy. When i was 5 I almost died from having multiple seizures all day long. Since then I have been lucky to be alive. In 2012 I had surgery in my left temporal lobe had part of it removed to fix the seizures. Since then the seizures have stopped. I have to stay on my meds for the rest of my life, but I am on a lot less than I use to be. About a year ago I had a stroke and since I have had memory issues.

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The Good Times A Long Time Ago

When I first started out on my own back in 2000 I felt everything was good. I made new friends, had a job, got a promotion, and was free from my parents. I was happy. I did some things that I regret today but that is not what we are talking about. I was building my confidence in being a man. Things started going bad and I wussed out. I called my mother and went back to her place. I missed living on my own so I tried it again and went back to where I went when I moved out before. I got an old job back with no problem. Then things started to go bad at my parents’ home.

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Family Comes First

I have always believed that family came first. Things have been going bad for years in my parents home, but that is because my step-dad has been developing dementia. It is like he is losing his mind. I moved back home to help my mom around the house so she could focus more on taking care of him. I was lucky because my employer got me transferred. I believe that was God working.

The Job is not Everything

I actually enjoyed the job, although it seems it comes to an end. I was working in a grocery store in the deli. Now this store was in the bad part of town and is no longer around. Customers that came in everyday had to complain about everything that is including how you sliced their meat, how much was in a pound, and how much it cost. Some things you cannot fix. I have always loved making people happy, but when I started here is when people complaining about the little things started getting my love for helping people to diminish. I was eventually terminated because a customer accused me of skipping him and called me racist. When you have five or six people coming up to the counter you just ask who is next and the first to respond gets helped first. It is sad even today there are people out there that are racist and those that play the racist card every time they do not get what they want. I was without a fulltime job for about two years after that. I had temp jobs, I delivered phone books one summer, and I helped my parents around the house. I even got back together with my father during that time. Although it was not all perfect.

Darkness Comes Look For The Light

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When I lost my job I was angry. I wanted to hurt someone or something. I sometimes went out in the woods with a stick and pounded on dead trees to break things. I was hurt. I felt I put my all into the job and puff it was gone. My parents were not a lot of support. They kept bugging me to go find a job and not to rely on unemployment. The thing was it was already in my head. They did not need to keep saying anything. All they needed to say was, “I support you.” or “Keep up the good work.”. I did not know I was learning about positive reinforcement vs. negative reinforcement. Positive reinforcement is defined as adding a pleasant stimulus to enhance the behavior. Negative reinforcement is defined as removing an aversive stimulus to enhance behavior. Now trust me negative reinforcement is not a good thing.

I was in the darkest hole I had ever been in. It took all I could to find a job. I looked online and found nothing. There was one place I did not apply at because I did not like fish, Long John Silvers. I heard they were hiring and I figured I should apply. I also made sure I put my goal for management on my application since I got promoted at a previous job. I was hoping that would get me in the door at least and maybe get promoted eventually. I did not know I would get a little of each.

I was hired at LJS with the intent to promote. I got a little extra pay than a normal hire. The general manager and the area manager wanted me to learn everything. I did just that. I knew how to do everything and even before I got promoted I learned inventory and counting down a cash drawer. I really liked learning, but it comes to an end.

The general manager who hired me and promoted me retired after I had been there for three years. The assistant manager got promoted. She was one of the negative type people. I was new at being a manager and need some support. It took me awhile to get out when closing because I was making sure everything was right. She kept complaing that I was there too late. So I started rushing myself. Then my inventory was off and the safe or cash deposit was off. My assistant manager told me to take my time and get it done right. I was torn between a rock and a hard place. One day I was scheduled to open, which I was only trained one day and not intended to do, and I almost missed the time to make the deposit because I had an employee call off. They decided to demote me and I looked for a new job because my goal was gone.

Even though it did not turn out the way I wanted it to it was the light that brought me out of darkness. It gave me hope and the will to look into the future at what I could do.

Your Path May Not Be The Path

When I left LJS I decided I needed a good paying job so I could have a life. A friend of mine worked at a pharmaceutical company. The schedule was 12 hour shifts, but you worked two days and had two days off, worked one weekend and had one weekend off. It was not horrible but could have been better. I got stuck on night shift and could not get on days. It conflicted with my parents especially on the weekend. My step-dad had a problem about keeping his voice down and not talking when he was walking down the hallway. I was going to college online at the time as well. It was hard to compromise of what to do when I had off work. I wanted to help out but he always did things when I had to work. I eventually gave up and put my focus on work and college. If something needed done and I had the time I did it. Maybe I put too much on my plate and should have focused on moving forward in life and not college. I eventually lost my job because I forgot to do a procedure. Having seizures and memory issues due to the surgery has been a challenge and that’s why I lost the job.

History Repeats Itself

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It did not take me long to find another job. I was a little angry that I got fired but not disappointed. I was looking around for a new job but did not find anything either I wanted or got a call back. I took about a month off to recoup from working 12 hour shifts on nights and to calm down some. I did not want to walk into a potential employer and look angry. I went to the temp agencies and I got an assignment and got hired after six months. I really enjoyed this job. I was testing military and commercial circuit boards. I even took a class and learned how to solder. I enjoyed the job. It came to an end the day when Human Resources questioned me on a board I moved to the wrong department. She had a email in the router that said it had to go there so I followed the instructions. Well unfortunately I misunderstood it or it could have been a little more direct by stating what step on the router. She referred to my misreading the email as “stupid” by calling me stupid. I took offense to that and lost my cool with her and reported her to the Vice-President. A few days later she terminates me. I think it is because she took it personal. Since it seems like I cannot hold a job down for more than four years I am looking into getting SSI. I hope I can do more for others now that I do not go to work everyday. I plan on volunteering when everything gets settled. Maybe there are more out there like me that I can help.

We Do Not Always Choose Our Path

Our path is not always our choice. The path we should be going down is set for us by God, but we do not always listen where we should go. Just because we choose the path does not mean it is our path. If we take the path God made for us the we would be on our path to get to our destination.

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References

Goldberg, MD, J. (2019). Types of Dementia. [online] WebMD. Available at: https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/guide/alzheimers-dementia#2 [Accessed 23 Mar. 2019].

Parenting For Brain. (2019). Positive And Negative Reinforcement (Examples, Punishment) – Parenting For Brain. [online] Available at: https://www.parentingforbrain.com/difference-between-positive-negative-reinforcement-and-punishment/#positive-reinforcement [Accessed 23 Mar. 2019].


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Life Is A Highway

No one has to state it life is not simple. It has it bumps, potholes, curves, and mountains to overcome, but we need to travel it and achieve life. It has been a rough life for me but sometimes the destination we think we have isn’t the destination we are meant to have. I am watch CSI: Crime Scenes Investigations today and the show had Rascal Flatts on it. I decided to go on YouTube and listen to some of their music. Well I was reminded it is not the road we take it is the destination that matters.

The Road We Travel Takes Us To Our Final Destination

Life is a road we travel everyday. It can be a hard road or a straight and narrow road whatever it is it will takes us to our final destination eventually. We do not have a map or GPS to show us where we are going, but we do have a guide we need to trust. That guide is Jesus Christ. Unfortunately He is not as clear as a GPS, not that they are 100% reliable either, but he does have a reason. We travel down these rough roads to learn right from wrong, smart from stupid, and kind from mean. Sometimes we do not know why we are where we are at but we need to have faith that He will show us what path to take. There are no shortcuts in life. Trust me I have tried them and have been set back further than I was when I started. We just need to have faith that He will show us where and when to go where He wants us to go. So simple, but complicated. That’s life!

Straying From Our Path

When we stray from the path we are on we get trapped in the unknown. Before you know it your clear path becomes a swamp, woods, or a huge mountain that seems impossible to cross. We need to learn from this and trust in ourselves and God to take us back to where He wants us. To find the path you should be on look into yourself. What is your true heart’s desire to make a great life for you and your family. Something that is not selfish or egocentric. God made you the way you are for a reason and maybe you need to accept that you will be able to do what He wants you to do. We all have strayed from the path He has set us on, we are not perfect, but He will helps us get back on the right path.

Living And Being Happy

Have you had your days of being sad? I know I have. What you need to do is figure out what it is and either remove it from your life or give it to God and He will take care of it. If it is meant to be with you, like your spouse, then He will help you solve the issue and settle the sadness in your heart. If it is meant for you to move on, like a job, then He will open a door to a new and better job. Whatever the problems are wrong in life let God take care of them and He will. There will always be unhappy times in our lives it is inevitable. What we need to do is deal with the problems and resolve them sooner, not let them stay with us for the rest of our lives. The more it hangs with us then it is like having more potholes in your road of life. Sooner or later your car is going to blow a tire. So either fix the tire over and over again or fix the potholes and keep the tires.

Rascal Flatts- Life Is A Highway from Cars



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Katherine Helmond, ‘Who’s the Boss?’ and ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ Star, Dies in L.A. at 89

Golden Globe-winning actress Katherine Helmond, a frequent scene-stealer on shows such as “Who’s the Boss?” and “Soap,” has died, her talent agency APA told CNN Friday. She was 89. “She was the love of my life. We spent 57 beautiful, wonderful, loving years together, which I will treasure forever,” her husband, David Christian, said in a statement. “I’ve been with Katherine since I was 19 years old. The night she died, I saw that the moon was exactly half-full, just as I am now… half of what I’ve been my entire adult life.”

Source: Katherine Helmond, ‘Who’s the Boss?’ and ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ Star, Dies in L.A. at 89

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Bad Times Can Come Back To Haunt You

My life was not simple. Childhood was difficult, teen years were hard, and going into adulthood seemed to be a killer. It was hard growing up and accepting my life. Getting over the past is hard, when you do it can come back to haunt you.

Childhood was not easy

Growing up is difficult in my opinion, although I would give anything to be a kid again. My parents got divorced when I was seven. I saw my dad for a few years after then it stopped. I didn’t see him again until I was 26. I was unemployed at the time and it was like God sent him to me.

Ephesians 4:31-32

My step-father has never been close to me. The main issue is he is from a different generation than my mother, thirteen years older than her. I tried to get close to him but it has seemed that he never did it to me. He thinks that buying me things like my first car shows love, I do not. I think time and sacrifice shows love. It can be throwing a baseball or giving up the TV remote it does not matter a small act of kindness will last longer than an object like a car. I cannot remember when he showed me an act of kindness without hesitation or frustration. That has hurt me for over thirty years and I am done with it. I have cut him off entirely.

My mother on the other hand has been good to me, a little over concerned, but good. I have had epilepsy since I was 10 months old. My mom has been a little overprotective not letting getting into sports, taking me out to hang with friends, or believing what I said. The meds I have been on over the years have made me drowsy, zombified, anti-social. This has made kids think I was weird. I was different am still am today. Although being more social and accepting people for whom they are helped me get to who I am. I did get into basketball and soccer in high school. The way I did it was not tell her about it until I was on the team. Played the guilt trip card. It made her feel more guilty to make me quit the team than to let me make the choice to take a chance.

Growing up is not easy

Did you ever think life was a little confusing? Well I did. When I was in my late teens into my 20s my spirit started coming out. I went to a baptist school and a pentecostal church. At school I learned the basics in Christianity: love one another, kindness, salvation, heaven and hell. When I went to church I learned more about praise and worship and women in the ministry. They had me believing in it firmly all because of a couple of scriptures. The pastors at this church were a couple 60s gurus that smoked joints and wanted peace. They established this church to spread what they believed. Their beliefs in dancing in church, speaking in tongues, and women as pastor brought up some conflicts in my soul. I prayed for almost a year for it and did some research. I stopped going and started watching the sermons on TV, eventually I returned to church at the school I graduated from. I felt like I was suppose to be there.

The first time leaving home can be hard. I went to college after I graduated high school. I did not graduate because I moved out of town and lived my life. I didn’t stay focused on college. Hindsight tells me I should of waited a semester and enjoyed my “free time” after high school. But cannot fix the past. I did learn a lot of what to do and what not to do, I think more of the latter. Eventually I got stressed and afraid of the next rent and wanted to go home. I called my mom and moved back home I also got transferred from the job I had to a local one in my hometown. Spending time with family was good I even went back to college and got my degree in Business Administration with a focus on Management. Things did get more difficult though.

When I was done with college I tried starting a business in advertising. At this time I was working on night shifts for twelve hours. I did some of the business while I was on break at work, just like I did my college discussions. I kept doing more research on advertising, targeting, and getting likes but I was not doing great. It seemed to be getting better, more affective. Then I lost my job and became severely depressed. I thought about suicide, I was angry at myself, I was hurt because I could not get someone to say, “It will be ok. I have your back.”. I felt alone and cast out from everyone. It took about a month for me to start casually looking for a job, but when my lawyer won me my unemployment I saw a ray of hope. I actually started looking online, selling things I did not need anymore, and going to temp to hire agencies. I got a job and today am still there. It isn’t my favorite job but I do like it. I wish I could go back to food service and get paid enough to live my life, but that road is gone. Now I am learning new things, living on my own, and I feel like I am at home.

I moved on a few years latter and went back into food service. I wanted to be a manager and got hired as crew to be promoted to manager. I was trained in everything and learned some manager task along the way. I was promoted about two years after I was hired. This gave me the passion to go back to college to learn more even start my own business. I lost my position due to my general manager’s scheduling. I was trained to close and work swing shifts. I was scheduled to open on a weekday and had inventory to do. I was not trained how to handle the shift and almost got to the bank late and ended up short a worker. Once I was demoted I saw my goals had changed. I found a better job. I was working twelve hour shifts three to four days a week. I was making about three times as much but had little time.

The Future

I like where I am at now but I hope to find someplace a little better. I would like to own my own house, have a dog, and grill out with friends. I want a job that I do not have to worry about getting mandated for overtime when I have things I want to do or need to do. Tell you the truth I wish I could hit the lottery so I would not have to worry about work again, but the truth is I would still get a job or volunteer somewhere. I enjoy working I just do not enjoy the idiots in charge. One day maybe a dream or two will come true in my life and maybe even in your life. Who knows maybe life is just a dream.

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Evolution Is Wrong: Generation Z Proves It

Today’s generation is complaining about every little thing they can. Recently they have complained about Baby It’s Cold Outside as being sexist. The song comes from back in the ’50s. It is a very good song and one I have enjoyed as a child.

I am not going to go into ruining Christmas or why this song is or isn’t offensive. What I am going into is the fact that this generation is so lazy and narrow minded we as humans are devolving. In fact just going back to the 1950’s we can see we have not evolved we devolved. The only thing we have done good on is technology. This points out that evolution is not possible. If man cannot improve over 70 years then how can a single cell organism grow into life on Earth?

You may have guessed it I am a Christian. I have been a born again believer since I was 12 years old. I have always wondered how a person could believe in evolution. It is not like you can leave the dishes in the sink and they are magically clean all of a sudden. I have even found it humiliating that we were to be believed to come from apes. I have always found it easier to believe in an Omnipotent God that spoke us into being rather than an atom, an accident, always existing and by accident creating us.

You see God everyday. The sky, the trees, the stars, you are what God created and has a purpose to be on this planet. I have days that are bad to me and I remember God has a purpose for me.   If you are not a Christian the end of time is coming soon. Have Faith and take Jesus Christ as your Saviour and you will live eternally in Paradise if not you will burn eternally in Hell.

Sinner’s Prayer

Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior. In Your Name.

Amen

 

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