My life was not simple. Childhood was difficult, teen years were hard, and going into adulthood seemed to be a killer. It was hard growing up and accepting my life. Getting over the past is hard, when you do it can come back to haunt you.
Childhood was not easy
Growing up is difficult in my opinion, although I would give anything to be a kid again. My parents got divorced when I was seven. I saw my dad for a few years after then it stopped. I didn’t see him again until I was 26. I was unemployed at the time and it was like God sent him to me.
My step-father has never been close to me. The main issue is he is from a different generation than my mother, thirteen years older than her. I tried to get close to him but it has seemed that he never did it to me. He thinks that buying me things like my first car shows love, I do not. I think time and sacrifice shows love. It can be throwing a baseball or giving up the TV remote it does not matter a small act of kindness will last longer than an object like a car. I cannot remember when he showed me an act of kindness without hesitation or frustration. That has hurt me for over thirty years and I am done with it. I have cut him off entirely.
My mother on the other hand has been good to me, a little over concerned, but good. I have had epilepsy since I was 10 months old. My mom has been a little overprotective not letting getting into sports, taking me out to hang with friends, or believing what I said. The meds I have been on over the years have made me drowsy, zombified, anti-social. This has made kids think I was weird. I was different am still am today. Although being more social and accepting people for whom they are helped me get to who I am. I did get into basketball and soccer in high school. The way I did it was not tell her about it until I was on the team. Played the guilt trip card. It made her feel more guilty to make me quit the team than to let me make the choice to take a chance.
Growing up is not easy
Did you ever think life was a little confusing? Well I did. When I was in my late teens into my 20s my spirit started coming out. I went to a baptist school and a pentecostal church. At school I learned the basics in Christianity: love one another, kindness, salvation, heaven and hell. When I went to church I learned more about praise and worship and women in the ministry. They had me believing in it firmly all because of a couple of scriptures. The pastors at this church were a couple 60s gurus that smoked joints and wanted peace. They established this church to spread what they believed. Their beliefs in dancing in church, speaking in tongues, and women as pastor brought up some conflicts in my soul. I prayed for almost a year for it and did some research. I stopped going and started watching the sermons on TV, eventually I returned to church at the school I graduated from. I felt like I was suppose to be there.
The first time leaving home can be hard. I went to college after I graduated high school. I did not graduate because I moved out of town and lived my life. I didn’t stay focused on college. Hindsight tells me I should of waited a semester and enjoyed my “free time” after high school. But cannot fix the past. I did learn a lot of what to do and what not to do, I think more of the latter. Eventually I got stressed and afraid of the next rent and wanted to go home. I called my mom and moved back home I also got transferred from the job I had to a local one in my hometown. Spending time with family was good I even went back to college and got my degree in Business Administration with a focus on Management. Things did get more difficult though.
When I was done with college I tried starting a business in advertising. At this time I was working on night shifts for twelve hours. I did some of the business while I was on break at work, just like I did my college discussions. I kept doing more research on advertising, targeting, and getting likes but I was not doing great. It seemed to be getting better, more affective. Then I lost my job and became severely depressed. I thought about suicide, I was angry at myself, I was hurt because I could not get someone to say, “It will be ok. I have your back.”. I felt alone and cast out from everyone. It took about a month for me to start casually looking for a job, but when my lawyer won me my unemployment I saw a ray of hope. I actually started looking online, selling things I did not need anymore, and going to temp to hire agencies. I got a job and today am still there. It isn’t my favorite job but I do like it. I wish I could go back to food service and get paid enough to live my life, but that road is gone. Now I am learning new things, living on my own, and I feel like I am at home.
I moved on a few years latter and went back into food service. I wanted to be a manager and got hired as crew to be promoted to manager. I was trained in everything and learned some manager task along the way. I was promoted about two years after I was hired. This gave me the passion to go back to college to learn more even start my own business. I lost my position due to my general manager’s scheduling. I was trained to close and work swing shifts. I was scheduled to open on a weekday and had inventory to do. I was not trained how to handle the shift and almost got to the bank late and ended up short a worker. Once I was demoted I saw my goals had changed. I found a better job. I was working twelve hour shifts three to four days a week. I was making about three times as much but had little time.
I like where I am at now but I hope to find someplace a little better. I would like to own my own house, have a dog, and grill out with friends. I want a job that I do not have to worry about getting mandated for overtime when I have things I want to do or need to do. Tell you the truth I wish I could hit the lottery so I would not have to worry about work again, but the truth is I would still get a job or volunteer somewhere. I enjoy working I just do not enjoy the idiots in charge. One day maybe a dream or two will come true in my life and maybe even in your life. Who knows maybe life is just a dream.
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Introduction I have been looking back on my life a lot in the past year. I have seen the good things I have done and the bad things as well. Some decisions I made decades ago would not change even …
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We all have a complicated life. Some of us have problems with finances, some of us with friends, some of us with the lost of a loved one, and some have problems with peers and parents growing up. I am going to focus on the latter. I am focusing on a problem I have had since I was seven. It has been difficult for me to comprehend because the Bible says,
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
The main point is “Be kind on to another”. When people can never be kind it is hard to put away the bitterness.
Childhood was Difficult and not Happy
I have always believed childhood should be a happy time. A time to learn, to grow up, to experience new things all the time, but now I look back a believe that childhood is a rough hard road that we need to battle. We grow strength from learning from our challenges, unfairness, and the neglect we had as a child. When we grow up we are responsible for ourselves and have full control.
School was not always great
There are reasons I believe this. One of the main ones is because of all the troubles I had in school. I was always harassed in elementary school. My step-father, which I will get to soon, did not believe me, my mother did although. When I was in public school my sister saw kids pushing me around, calling me names, and even trying to pick a fight.
When I was in the second grade I begged my mother to take me out of public school. She did and put me into a Christian school. I made a few friends there, which are still friends today, but there were more jerks then nice people. I still got picked on, but the teachers and the principal did something about it. I even got into a couple fights my four years there. One was when we were on our ski trip. When the principal found out he pulled the guy off the slopes and sat him in the ski resort. The principal also suspended him. My friend left that school and went to a different Christian school so I went with them.
School gets better
This is the school I graduated from and the church I go to today. Here I had more friends, but had some religious differences. There were a few people I wish were never there, but we cannot have a day go the way we want it to all the time. Some things happen for a reason, because God has a purpose for it. One thing I have learned from what I put up with through school is always be kind to people around you. You may never know if a person is having a good day or bad day, lost a loved one or expecting a newborn, or has a lot of stress on their mind or is the happiest person on earth. Keep your mind open because you may be there to save a person or they are there to save you.
Father issues since I was a child
Now earlier I mentioned about my step-father not believing me on the problems I had in school. Well it did not stop there. I do not always believe a person at first, but when it gets consistent then I get curious if it is true or not. That has never been my step-dad.
When I wanted to go out to eat on Sunday after church I knew I had to bother my mother. If I even mentioned it to my step-father he would not take us out. Then I wondered if he did not take us because we asked to go. I thought he did not like us asking to go out to eat. Now I believe it was because it was not his idea. Looking back in life with my step-father he was and is a self-centered, egotistical, selfish, jerk. My whole life I have never liked people like this. The last decade it has been a lot worse. As of New Year’s Day I have had enough! I have cut him off as my step-father, I am no longer talking to him, nor offering any help. It is over 30 years of he is always right and everyone else is always wrong. What happened that Sunday is not really significant. I will say he was saying I was wrong and I had non-argumentative proof that I was right. When a person cannot admit they are wrong sincerely they are guilty of pride and arrogance.
“The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate.”
You may wonder why I would cut him out of my life. Well it is not as simple as going out to eat after church. He has always been negative. I have been ambitious since I was in high school. Words affect you especially if you hear them your entire life. When all you hear are negative word from a person they make you think negative. Although I have always had a drive to be someone better than him, better than me. I always want to improve myself one way or another. So it has always been like an ongoing fight that no one ever wins. It is no longer worth being near such a negative person that it holds my life, my mind back so much I cannot believe in myself. Now I am focusing entirely on myself. It may sound selfish, but I have given so much of my life away it is time to live. It may not stay constant. Once I am living maybe things will settle, but until then it is time to start my life.
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(“EPHESIANS 4:31 KJV “Let All Bitterness, And Wrath, And Anger, And Clamour, And Evil Speaking, Be Put Away From You, With All Malice:””)
(“PROVERBS 8:13 KJV “The Fear Of The LORD [Is] To Hate Evil: Pride, And Arrogancy, And The Evil Way, And The Froward Mouth, Do I Hate.””)
All children learn about life. I know life can be hard growing up. One issue I had is I always got bailed out by my mother or my sister. When I hit my teen years I learned I needed to figure things out to be proud of it. I can thank my pastor for that.
I played basketball, soccer, and baseball when I was in school. I had so many fails, but I got up and learned how to do better. I learned myself by improving what I failed at and I improved with others by listening to advice. I definitely learned that one person is never always right. Listen to people around you and then make your own decision. This is part of a child’s independence from their parents. We do make bad decisions, but we always have our parents to go back to to talk to about our mistakes allowing us to improve in life.
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