We all should have hope, even when our days get dark as night all we have is hope. According to Dictionary.comHope is defined as the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. I know not everything turns out the way we believe to be the best, but we do not know what road we are on in life until we take the first step. I takes hope to keep traveling down the road and not turning back.
What We Believe our Destination is and What God has Planned for Us
I do not know about you but I have had some bumps in my life. I have taken wrong turns, ran into obstacles, and even stopped because I was not sure what to do. What I do know to do now is trust God.
–Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Ever since I was a child I had a picture with this scripture on it. It has taken me a long time to understand what it means. If we have faith in Him we will always have hope.
When we are making plans in our life we need to make sure to let Him in on it. He will let us know if He approves our if He does not. I do not believe He is going show disapproval by having our parents, spouse, or siblings arguing with us on what we have planned to do. I do believe that our subconscious, that voice in our head, tells us, “It is not a good idea at least not right now.” then that is God speaking to us. We need to listen to God and take his advice or we will not live life to the fullest like He wants us to.
When in Darkness…
When in darkness there is a ray of hope. Life does get pretty dark at times, sometimes so dark you think you will never find your way out. What you need to do is open your eyes and find the ray of hope deep in your soul. Trust me I have been there.
I am going tell you why. It was about five years ago I lost my job because I did not follow a procedure correctly. Now about six months before that I had a minor stroke and I lost some memory and had, and still do, some thinking of words issues. Well my former employer did not believe me about the memory issues, but I did win my unemployment. Even though it was a horrible job I was angry, depressed, in fear of not be able to pay my bills, and blamed myself for even applying for the job in the first place. To top it off my parents did not support me emotionally. It took me a couple months to start looking for a job. My mom told me I better start looking for a job the next day. I was angry for losing my job and now angry at her for lack of compassion. All I could see was darkness. I even thought the only way out was suicide. If I did not grow up in a Christian School and go to church I may not be typing this blog now. It took me awhile to stop being furious. I am still a little angry for getting fired but I think I take it too personal.
What got me through? It was Hope. I started going back to church. I went to the church that was the leader of the school I graduated from. I got back together with a few friends, my choir teacher, and my pastor and principal. I haven’t been for awhile because of work and overtime. I still watch Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah on Ion Television when I don’t go to church. I use to feel I was going nowhere and now I feel I am moving forward. I do not know where I am going now but I will find out when I am ready. What I do have, that I did not have five years ago, is hope. Hope is all we need to move forward in life. If you ever feel you are down and never moving forward then trust God and that ray of hope will shine.
It always seems like everyone else has better days than you do, right!? Well do not deny it because I have that attitude most of the time. The truth is we all have rough patches in our lives, but not the same as others. We also become blind to what others have issues with, especially if it does not come close to our problems by our standards. It may sound selfish, but I consider it more blinded by hard times.
The Harder Times Make the Hard Times a Little Softer
I could go on and on and tell you the story of my life, but I am not. I am going to tell you of two times it has been hard for me. One was about five years ago and the other is in the present.
The Past is the Past, but Also a Lesson for Later
When it goes wrong when we try to move forward in life, maybe it is a warning by God we need to stop and observe what we need. I am going a little further back than when it all came crumbling down. I want to explain why I was where I was.
Inspiration to Move Forward
It was about eight years ago, after I came out of a slump, I got a job at Long John Silver’s. I was looking for a job that I would enjoy and could be a permanent job. About six years before that I was trained as a Team Leader at Burger King, promoted by my Assistant Manager, and really enjoyed it. It gave me a meaning in life. I enjoyed helping customers, running shifts, taking care of cash, and doing inventory. The main problem when working in fast food is the paycheck. So I decided to go for General Manager down the line. I was going to college at ITT Technical Institution for Computer Aided Drafting and Design (CADD). I was not doing well in my sixth quarter and it was the time I got promoted. My GM wanted more dedication. I had already considered dropping out for the quarter and this seemed to be a conformation. I dropped out and went full time. I was hoping to go back the next quarter but never did. I got into financial troubles and called my mother, then moved back to my parents. I was young and could not take chances. I should have handled my money better, handled my time better, and hung around better people. I look back and I have learned what to do and not to do. One thing I did learn is that friends are important. It is not about money, or fashion, or what kind of car they drive. A friend is about the time they give you, the sharing between both of you, and the advice you share. Kindness goes a long way.
Two Steps Back Three Steps Forward
When I came home I got a reference from a Store Manager at Weis I worked at before I went full time at Burger King. He requested a position in my area and a store did need what I had experience in. So they said they would take me, but wanted to interview me first. So the day after I got to my parents’ home I went in to Weis, the one in the bad part of town, and got my interview. The Store Manager liked me and officially rehired me on. He had me in both areas I worked in before which were the deli and cashier. He also got me trained in stocking shelves. I was there for a little over a year and then had a conflict with a black male customer who was accusing me of being racist and sexist because I waited on a white male before a black female. I was not out at the counter when the customers came up I was bring out more product to stock up the deli for in the mourning. When I got out and put things away I asked, “Who is next?’. the white male
said, “I am ready.” So I took his order. Irony is the black female had no problems with it, probably did not even decide what she wanted; but the black male started a conflict and it escalated to the point he wanted to go outside and fight. I was reported to my Store Manager and I was terminated. I understood why, but was a little aggravated a jerk like that can get a person fired for doing their job and in fear for their life. My Manager did say he was taking care of the customer and would not allow him back in the store. That did ease me some, but the damage was done. After that it was two years until I found my next job. This is the job that has messed me up and given me fear of losing the job I have now. I did learn something though, I will get to that. What I did learn from Weis is there are always idiots out there just don’t be one of them.
When One Door Opens Another Door Closes
It was two years until I found my next full-time job. I had on and off jobs like temp-jobs, paper routes, delivered phone books, and even helped people out. Almost six months before I lost my job I had gotten an apartment and made a best friend. We are still friends today and we both have had it rough. When I lost my job I was two months away from the end of my lease. So I had to talk to my landlord. I told her I had enough for the next month but won’t have enough for the following. Since I am going to have to move I asked her to keep the security deposit. She did and I was grateful. I did get on cash assistance to help with bills and food. I could not find a permanent job and I was so depressed I was ready to give it all up. I figured it was time to meet my maker. Then one day I applied at Long John Silver’s. I did not apply there before that because I did not like fish. I included a cover letter and resume with my application. The reason was because they were looking for management at the time and that is what I wanted. I got a call within a month I submitted my application. The shift manager, which later became my shift manager trainer, interviewed me and she liked me. I got a second interview with the Restaurant Manager. I was nervous when I met him, but we clicked right away. I told him what I felt and wanted to do. I also told him I realize there are steps to get to being a manager and I am willing to take them. He knew I would do what I needed to do to be a great manager like he was. He wanted me, but since he was hiring me with the intent of promotion he had his boss the Regional Manager interview me. I had no fear. I went in with confidence. I got the job no problem. The Regional Manager was an inspiration as well. There were three managers I had that I learned a lot from. My Senior Shift Manager, who was the one who first interviewed me, was always happy. She taught me do not show your bad side when you are at work, especially the leader. My General Manager taught me you get more bees with honey than salt. He was always nice even when you got in trouble. He did not pull you outside and give you a lecture with a stern dictating voice, unlike the Assistant Manager. I had times when he raised his voice to me and talked a little more firm, but he was like getting lectured by a teacher not the principal. Then there was my Area Manager. He was good leader and always tried to stop by every few months and during Lent he stopped by every week. He humbled himself and stepped in and helped the crew, helped the customers, helped the managers. I had even seen him take out the trash and clean the bathroom before. I always wondered what makes you a good leader. Is it being firm and strong or is it by leading by example and humility? Well I learned from him humility is a great asset to being a great leader. It takes some firmness too. When we had manger meetings he attended he stood strong and spoke with a firm voice when he was teaching us. When he was answering questions or having a general conversation on topic he had a lighter voice. He was a good boss, good leader, and a good example to whom we all should follow. My General Manager was transferred to a new co-brand store of A&W/LJS. So the Assistant Manager was promoted before he left. I was also promoted a few months before he left to Shift Manager. I was trained primary to close and sometime do swing shifts, but not to open. My Shift Manager that trained me was leaving due to graduating college and getting a career started. Well my new General Manager set it up to get me fired. She approved the only two other shift managers time off. She had to schedule me for open the restaurant and She came in closing due to end of the month inventory. The only time I ever open is on a Sunday and did not have to run the deposit. Well this was a weekday and I forgot the deposit, did my inventory for the morning which I did have to do, and did not send employees on break at the right time. I was appropriately trained. I only worked one weekday for training on opening. My purpose was closing. The time off should have not been approved. I got demoted and I lost my desire to be a leader anymore. I had to leave. When I did find my next job I left without giving notice, but I did leave a long note and sent an email to the Area Manager. A couple years later I went by and saw that “she” was not there at the time so I went in to get some chicken and lobster bites. I asked where she was and I heard she got fired. I wonder if my email had something to do with it. Did her boss keep an eye on her, did customers complain, or did more employees complain. Whatever reason he fired her was he best choice. I did learn from Long John Silver’s that I could be more than just a cashier. I also learned there is more in a leader than just telling people what to do, you need to show them. Lead by example. Teamwork is what makes us successful without teamwork then the team will break away. We all make mistakes we need to learn and move on. Also there are times when our road comes to and end, but there is always a choice on where to go. Choices we make make an impact on what we have later down the road. So make the right one the first time because they are all one way. We don’t have a remote control like on Click where you can rewind and fast forward life. You have to deal with the choices you make so make the right one, the first time.
A Leap of Faith
I found my new job from my best friend‘s father. He worked in factory that made medical stoppers and he worked twelve hour shifts. He got overtime almost every week. The way the schedule went we only worked 180 days. We got a week of for the Fourth of July and Christmas due to cleaning the clean rooms. It was not a horrible job, but the big shots did not care about their employees. We would have an extreme amount of work, but never have help because the overtime would not be approved, they would not hire an additional person to keep product moving, they expected 200% out of everyone, and when the slackers did not do what was expected then the supervisor would be blamed. The last one I really did not like. It is immoral, unethical to blame a supervisor for how an employee acts. If the employee will not do their job then the supervisor needs to make aware they need to improve, then verbal warning, then written warning and eventually termination. If the supervisor does all this they are doing their job. I had a manager get fired for doing his job. He supposedly should have sent someone home not just wrote them up. I lost all desire of becoming a supervisor after that. The job I had was weighing up medical stoppers and packing them off. There was two of us and two rooms. There were nights that one of us was in one room and the other in the other room. We did weigh up and pack off for ourselves. We could have had an extra person too. On dayshift they did have a third person. When dayshift came in they would complain when we still had boxes left on the belt. I guess teamwork is overrated there. While I was there I graduated college online and started a business. My business did not get off the ground before I got fired for forgetting to follow an everyday procedure. The reason I forgot the procedure is because a few months prior I had something similar to a stroke, but did not show the signs after of a stroke. What it did cause was short term memory issues. I had fear of forgetting something. I did go back and got re-trained on dayshift. Then after I went back to nights I forgot to follow procedure like I did every night. When they called me in on my day off I knew something was up. They showed me the video and I could not believe it. I told them I did not remember that. I explained I was still having some memory issues and evidently forgot. They did not believe me and fired me. I was so angry it took all I had morally, ethically, and spiritually to hold back from taking a swing. When I went home and told my mother all she could say is “How can you pay your bills?”. During the time of my unemployment I was so depressed the thought of suicide but did not act. I did not have any support until one day I decided to go back to church. I went to the church I knew. It was the church that ran the school I graduated from. I got support from a good friend, my pastor, and others in the church. It gave me a ray of hope. I went back out looking for work. I got a temp job that was temp to hire. I liked the job, learning a lot. It seemed like I would never be hired. My supervisor at that time wanted me hired on so she went to whomever she had to. Within a week she got me hired. My paycheck went up and I got seventeen days of vacation just like that. Today I am still there and I like the job, but am concerned it will not last much longer.
Renewed and Reborn: Out of the Ashes Rises the Mighty Phoenix
Now today I have a job that I like. I want to stay but am unsure. I learned from previous jobs and life events trust is earned not given. I have been really tight on money and am concerned about working too much. I do not want to have another stroke and maybe die from it or forget something and lose my job again. I need to plan ahead and set several options on how to survive. It is like on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when he says, “Life is like a box of chocolate you never know what you are going to get.”. Well I think he is right but sometimes it seems more like grenades not chocolate. Life is not easy and I do not think it will get easier. We just need to accept what we have at the time, be grateful for what is good, and be mindful of how to prevent and fix the bad things.
I am glad so many people have a dad they are spending Father’s Day with this weekend. In my circumstances things do not go that way. I did have a father growing up, but he was not my dad. I am going to share some things that have been holding me back for decades with you. I hope this helps you in your life or you child’s life. I have not had the best life, but I hope someone else will have a better one.
Childhood can be Difficult
When I look back on my life I see mistakes I made or my parents made. I wish I could go back and change the past, but that is not possible. There are times I wonder if it should have had happened if choices my parents made were better. What we do does not only have an effect on us, but has an effect on others. It is like dropping a pebble in a lake causing the ripple effect. One ripple causes another and then another as they get bigger. It depends on how we are taught if they are good ripples are bad ripples.
Early in my childhood
When I was seven my parents got divorced. I do not remember much before that but I do remember that day. The day when my mom came to my room at night and told me we had to go. I don’t remember exactly what happened but I do remember leaving. I still have a picture in my head what the house looked like and where we lived then. I also remember my mother, my sister, and I visiting my step-dad before we left my father. I have thought for years they planned it out and come to find out a few years ago they did. I didn’t learn anything about my father until I was in my mid 20s. I have felt since my teen years that my mom was keeping me away from him.
When I was going to public school I didn’t fit in. I always got picked on, harassed, and threatened. I talked to my mom and step-dad about getting into sports like baseball. They would say, “You can’t do that.” or “I don’t know how to get you signed up.”. Well when I was going to public school it would be easy to call someone at the school to find out when and where. My mom would be concerned about me doing things like sports because I am an epileptic. When I was a child there were some real bad times because medicine wasn’t as good then as it is now. Although as I grew up the seizures did get worse and the medicine changed and dosage went up. In 2012 I had surgery to my right temporal lobe and had part of it removed. To say the least I was brain dead. Since then I have not had a seizure or pre-seizure aura. I still take meds, but a lot less, and last year I had supposedly a stroke, but it was diagnosed as not a seizure. Although I have had epilepsy since I was 10 months old and that has made my mom very protective of me. I have always had the desire to become someone great. I do feel held back. Somethings I could never do, but others like sports I could do it just takes a little effort.
I would tell my step-dad that I wanted to do sports. I asked him to play catch, or throw a ball for me, or play kickball, something to do outside with him. He never wanted to play with me. When I asked him to go bowling he sometimes said yes. The reason being he was into bowling, even on a league, but I wasn’t that much into it. Whenever I did something he didn’t care for he didn’t want anything to do with me, but if I would do something he liked and not invite him he would be offended. I couldn’t make everything work for him. I never really got to know him until I went to college. It is interesting I learned more about him when I moved out than when I lived there.
Growing up is hard to do
My mother was the one who was there for me as I was growing up. When I was in the fifth grade I was getting threats. She was told of a private Christian school from a co-worker of her’s. His wife was a teacher and recommended that my mom send me there. My mom informed me of the school and I said, “Let’s do it!”.
I liked the school I went to. I went skiing in the winter, bowling and swimming in the summer. One thing I learned looking back on it is that a bad apple spoils the bunch. It started out good until one jerk made me into the outcast. I do not really fully regret it, wish it could have been better, because I did make a few good friends. They are ones that taught me what friendship is about. I have learned that loyalty is important and that sacrifice is true friendship like being a brother.
At this time in my life I was around 16 and not getting any respect at home. No matter what I did for them it was not enough for my parents. Don’t get me wrong they said thank-you, but that isn’t always enough. I grew up being responsible to earn respect from my parents and get a little trust. That did not happen then and it still hasn’t happened in the last 20 years since then. When I was still a teenager I accepted it because I was still a kid, under their roof, and had no knowledge of what the world was truly like. Unfortunately I did move out to go to college, didn’t graduate, for four years. I returned to their home to find a job in my home town and get my own place. I thought they would treat me as an adult, I was wrong. I think this is where I started a downward spiral into depression because I was stuck with them off and on for 14 years of my adult life. I had to lie about drinking because my step-dad did not approve of it rather it was at home or at a bar, even though his son, my step-brother, drinks beer everyday when he gets home from work.
Being An Adult Is Not A Piece Of Cake
When I was young I always thought that parents had it easy. Oh boy was I ever wrong. Life is never simple. Everyday there is something a little complex. It can be getting to appointments, paying bills, going to work when you feel like crap, or just making to the next day. Today there is so many bills it seems unreal. It seems every week we get paid it either goes to bills, food, or the kids. Life can be complicated.
My mom called me Friday while I was on lunch break. That is one thing I don’t like because we only get 20 minutes and she doesn’t know how to talk quick. She asked if I was coming over on Father’s Day. I told her, “I don’t know. Depends how I fell after working this weekend.”. Well I just lied again because I didn’t have to work this weekend and I was probably not going in. I did not want to get into a argument at work. I have been teller her for at least a decade that I did not see him as my dad. That he never had a father son relationship with me, he never gave anything up for me and letting me know, he never told me he loved me unless he had to, and he stood in my way to have an relationship with my birth father. She denied a lot of it, but she can’t deny want she doesn’t understand. I really tried to make us a family because family is really important, but family isn’t always those under one roof. Family is those who stick together through thick or thin, those who will give up an hour of television just to make you happy, or those who will never criticize you for something you really like and they really dislike just because they want to be right. I wish we could go back in time and change the mistakes we made in the pass to make the present or future we want. That will never happen.
I want to tell you about trust. I was watching a sermon this morning and it had to deal with trust between man and God. I do not want to go into everything the sermon talked about, but the main part of the sermon that got my attention was we have to trust God because He knows what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. We all have financial issues but we have to trust God to get us through it. The pastor also talked about forgiving and trusting those who have betrayed you in the past again. I know that is hard because I have the problem of trust with my mother and step-father. I thought they raised me good when I was in my teens and early 20s. Today looking back there is many mistakes they made. I know we cannot fix the past, but I hope sharing this helps you with the future.
The Big Mistake
I am going to start out with the biggest mistake in my opinion. My parents were divorced when I was 7 years old. I saw my father for maybe a year or two after the divorce and then it stopped. My sister had anger towards him for a reason I do not know. I told my mother a few times in my teen years that I would run away to my dad’s. I never did, I did not know where he was. Back in those days we did not have smartphones with Google Maps. I felt lost as a child and neglected.
When I hit the teen years I got into playing video games and I left public school, due to the harassment I received, and went to Christian School. I started enjoying some of the things I had. I love playing Final Fantasy III and going skiing. I liked riding my bike down to a creek near the house. I miss childhood cause the less responsibilities, I am sure everyone feels the same. I also learned that helping others brings joy to your heart. I always went outside and mowed the lawn, raked leaves, and even shoveled snow without complaining. My step-father liked that I would help out. Then he started to change.
When I was in high school and on the basketball team I didn’t always have time to do all the chores when he, my step-father, wanted them done. He would do them before I got home. I would go straight to doing the chores and my mom would tell me they were done. At first I was happy he was helping, but then he started saying things that were offensive as a joke. He would say, “Well you are to lazy to get them done.” or “Since you are always late I have to do it.”. Now the second was true to a point of view. Although if you have a scheduled practice at 4pm and done at 5pm and then get home by 5:30pm then you are not late, you’re late if you get home after that time like at 9pm.
After all this he started to get more ignorant and I started to like him less. I started think of my birth father. I wanted to see if he loved me. One day he took the step and called. I had just lost a job and had plenty of time. I was so happy and he came and picked me up since I didn’t have money. When I got the unemployment I started going. I was living with my mom and step-father at the time. I was wondering if there were going to be any conflicts. I kinda stopped seeing my dad when I got a job that was 12 hour shifts on nights. I also was going to college online and wanted to start a business. The only thing I thought about for those four years was work, college, and business. I worked paying bills into where I could. When college and work were on holiday shutdown I focused on business. Never had a minute in my day. It brought a lot of stress and my stubborness out. I told myself I should give up the business, but I did not until I got fired. Sometimes God tells us what to do and other times He makes it happen. The six months I was unemployed I should have called my father and got our relationship going again, but I was afraid that my mom and step-father would get angry. I did not need that at that time. It has been at least 8 years since I have seen my dad, it has not been 17 years like before I need to fix this before it happens again and it is my fault.
Having Someone to Talk to with Confidence
I believe we all have a family person or friend that we can tell anything to. What if the person you talk to tells another? It then becomes gossip. The first thing we should do is tell them we trust them and not to tell anyone else. It is a responsibility and they may not want it. I use to have that but then what I said was told to another person.
I know it is not easy to hear a person’s problems but we need to get our burdens off our chest to reduce stress. If not then there could be heart attacks, anger, criminal acts, or betrayal. I know when people identify common problems with me it makes me feel better because I am not the only one like this. I have had people talk to me about hard times in life. I listen and identify with them. Sometimes I can even give them some good advice or a suggestion how to deal with it from experience. We need not to be selfish we need to be selfless.
Doing Things You Don’t Like Because You Love Your Family and Friends
We all like some similar things and some entirely different things especially in mixed families. My step-father like bowling and so did I so sometimes we would go bowling together. One thing I really like was playing video games. My step-dad was way before the era of video games he is from the time TV first came out. I wanted him to play Mario Brothers with me when I first got it and he said he couldn’t do it. I wanted to teach him but he wouldn’t even try. It hurt that he wouldn’t be able to share an interest with me. When I was playing basketball I wanted him to come out and help me make shots. All I wanted was for him is to get rebounds at the net and to watch me and give me tips because he played in his childhood, never happened. I also liked watching Mighty Morphin Power Rangers when I got home from school. He got home about 15 minutes after the show started and took the remote. I started hiding the remote and not doing the chores so he would take it out. All I needed was 15 more minutes and he didn’t want to give me that so I had to be disobedient. Today we can record anything at anytime and watch it in another room and watch another channel as it is recording. Even though with technology being so much more advanced than 20 years ago I would still let my child watch a show as long as they were doing good in school, not being disobedient, and follow the schedule I set. I would always compromise if there was a show, a sports event, or maybe a friend calling from overseas. If you do something the same way all the time then you think you are always right. Sometimes we need to adjust what we do to make it better or to acknowledge we need a little change to beat repetition.
I didn’t always like taking care of the fire or bringing in wood during the winter. I got tired of it by early Spring but we still need to build one in the mourning and sometimes in the evening. I would take care of it not because it was my responsibility, but because I loved my parents. When I felt rejected from the family is when I stopped doing things like taking care of the fire and bring in wood. One thing I wanted to do for my step-father was get a cheap heat source installed and either help pay for it or pay it in full. Neither one would even look at the sources of heat that would be available to them. I eventually gave up. They want to build fires until they die then they can do it themselves is what I started to feel. I learned we just need to accept what others want. I guess the fire is good for him cause it does give him exercise. I just hope if they ever needed anything like new source of heat they would ask me.
We All Need Acceptance
It doesn’t matter who you are or what family you are in we all need acceptance in our life. The hard part is accepting parts of our life we do not want to happen, like the lost of a loved one. I believe accepting the bad times like accepting the good times is the hardest challenge in life.
I do not know about you but I have had some bumps in my life. I have taken wrong turns, ran into obstacles, and even stopped because I was not sure what to do. What I do know to do now is trust God.
When in darkness there is a ray of hope. Life does get pretty dark at times, sometimes so dark you think you will never find your way out. What you need to do is open your eyes and find the ray of hope deep in your soul. Trust me I have been there.
said, “I am ready.” So I took his order. Irony is the black female had no problems with it, probably did not even decide what she wanted; but the black male started a conflict and it escalated to the point he wanted to go outside and fight. I was reported to my Store Manager and I was terminated. I understood why, but was a little aggravated a jerk like that can get a person fired for doing their job and in fear for their life. My Manager did say he was taking care of the customer and would not allow him back in the store. That did ease me some, but the damage was done. After that it was two years until I found my next job. This is the job that has messed me up and given me fear of losing the job I have now. I did learn something though, I will get to that. What I did learn from Weis is there are always idiots out there just don’t be one of them.
One ripple causes another and then another as they get bigger. It depends on how we are taught if they are good ripples are bad ripples.
