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Any Man Can Be A Father, But Only A True Father Can Be A Dad

I am glad so many people have a dad they are spending Father’s Day with this weekend. In my circumstances things do not go that way. I did have a father growing up, but he was not my dad. I am going to share some things that have been holding me back for decades with you. I hope this helps you in your life or you child’s life. I have not had the best life, but I hope someone else will have a better one.

Childhood can be Difficult

When I look back on my life I see mistakes I made or my parents made. I wish I could go back and change the past, but that is not possible. There are times I wonder if it should have had happened if choices my parents made were better. What we do does not only have an effect on us, but has an effect on others. It is like dropping a pebble in a lake causing the ripple effect.
Ripple effectOne ripple causes another and then another as they get bigger. It depends on how we are taught if they are good ripples are bad ripples.

Early in my childhood

When I was seven my parents got divorced. I do not remember much before that but I do remember that day. The day when my mom came to my room at night and told me we had to go. I don’t remember exactly what happened but I do remember leaving. I still have a picture in my head what the house looked like and where we lived then. I also remember my mother, my sister, and I visiting my step-dad before we left my father. I have thought for years they planned it out and come to find out a few years ago they did.  I didn’t learn anything about my father until I was in my mid 20s. I have felt since my teen years that my mom was keeping me away from him.

When I was going to public school I didn’t fit in. I always got picked on, harassed, and threatened. I talked to my mom and step-dad about getting into sports like baseball. They would say, “You can’t do that.” or “I don’t know how to get you signed up.”. Well when I was going to public school it would be easy to call someone at the school to find out when and where. My mom would be concerned about me doing things like sports because I am an epileptic. When I was a child there were some real bad times because medicine wasn’t as good then as it is now. Although as I grew up the seizures did get worse and the medicine changed and dosage went up. In 2012 I had surgery to my right temporal lobe and had part of it removed. To say the least I was brain dead. Since then I have not had a seizure or pre-seizure aura.  I still take meds, but a lot less, and last year I had supposedly a stroke, but it was diagnosed as not a seizure. Although I have had epilepsy since I was 10 months old and that has made my mom very protective of me. I have always had the desire to become someone great. I do feel held back. Somethings I could never do, but others like sports I could do it just takes a little effort.

I would tell my step-dad that I wanted to do sports. I asked him to play catch, or throw a ball for me, or play kickball, something to do outside with him. He never wanted to play with me. When I asked him to go bowling he sometimes said yes. The reason being he was into bowling, even on a league, but I wasn’t that much into it. Whenever I did something he didn’t care for he didn’t want anything to do with me, but if I would do something he liked and not invite him he would be offended. I couldn’t make everything work for him. I never really got to know him until I went to college. It is interesting I learned more about him when I moved out than when I lived there.

Growing up is hard to do

My mother was the one who was there for me as I was growing up. When I was in the fifth grade I was getting threats. She was told of a private Christian school from a co-worker of her’s. His wife was a teacher and recommended that my mom send me there. My mom informed me of the school and I said, “Let’s do it!”.

I liked the school I went to. I went skiing in the winter, bowling and swimming in the summer. One thing I learned looking back on it is that a bad apple spoils the bunch. It started out good until one jerk made me into the outcast. I do not really fully regret it, wish it could have been better, because I did make a few good friends. They are ones that taught me what friendship is about. I have learned that loyalty is important and that sacrifice is true friendship like being a brother.

At this time in my life I was around 16 and not getting any respect at home. No matter what I did for them it was not enough for my parents. Don’t get me wrong they said thank-you, but that isn’t always enough. I grew up being responsible to earn respect from my parents and get a little trust. That did not happen then and it still hasn’t happened in the last 20 years since then. When I was still a teenager I accepted it because I was still a kid, under their roof, and had no knowledge of what the world was truly like.  Unfortunately I did move out to go to college, didn’t graduate, for four years. I returned to their home to find a job in my home town and get my own place. I thought they would treat me as an adult, I was wrong. I think this is where I started a downward spiral into depression because I was stuck with them off and on for 14 years of my adult life. I had to lie about drinking because my step-dad did not approve of it rather it was at home or at a bar, even though his son, my step-brother, drinks beer everyday when he gets home from work.

Being An Adult Is Not A Piece Of Cake

When I was young I always thought that parents had it easy. Oh boy was I ever wrong. Life is never simple. Everyday there is something a little complex. It can be getting to appointments, paying bills, going to work when you feel like crap, or just making to the next day. Today there is so many bills it seems unreal. It seems every week we get paid it either goes to bills, food, or the kids. Life can be complicated.

My mom called me Friday while I was on lunch break. That is one thing I don’t like because we only get 20 minutes and she doesn’t know how to talk quick. She asked if I was coming over on Father’s Day. I told her, “I don’t know. Depends how I fell after working this weekend.”. Well I just lied again because I didn’t have to work this weekend and I was probably not going in. I did not want to get into a argument at work. I have been teller her for at least a decade that I did not see him as my dad. That he never had a father son relationship with me, he never gave anything up for me and letting me know, he never told me he loved me unless he had to, and he stood in my way to have an relationship with my birth father. She denied a lot of it, but she can’t deny want she doesn’t understand. I really tried to make us a family because family is really important, but family isn’t always those under one roof. Family is those who stick together through thick or thin, those who will give up an hour of television just to make you happy, or those who will never criticize you for something you really like and they really dislike just because they want to be right.  I wish we could go back in time and change the mistakes we made in the pass to make the present or future we want. That will never happen.

Check out more

It is Hard to Trust Again When You Have Been Blind Your Whole Life

God’s Advice That Should Be Followed Throughout All Life: “Be Kind One To Another”

Complaining About A Problem Without Proposing A Solution Is Called Whining

A Life’s Story: Childhood, Pier Pressure, and Right and Wrong Decisions

References

WebMD. (2018). Epilepsy: What is Seizure With Aura?. [online] Available at: https://www.webmd.com/epilepsy/seizure-with-aura [Accessed 17 Jun. 2018].

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It is Hard to Trust Again When You Have Been Blind Your Whole Life

I want to tell you about trust. I was watching a sermon this morning and it had to deal with trust between man and God. I do not want to go into everything the sermon talked about, but the main part of the sermon that got my attention was we have to trust God because He knows what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. We all have financial issues but we have to trust God to get us through it. The pastor also talked about forgiving and trusting those who have betrayed you in the past again. I know that is hard because I have the problem of trust with my mother and step-father. I thought they raised me good when I was in my teens and early 20s. Today looking back there is many mistakes they made. I know we cannot fix the past, but I hope sharing this helps you with the future.

The Big Mistake

I am going to start out with the biggest mistake in my opinion. My parents were divorced when I was 7 years old. I saw my father for maybe a year or two after the divorce and then it  stopped. My sister had anger towards him for a reason I do not know. I told my mother a few times in my teen years that I would run away to my dad’s. I never did, I did not know where he was. Back in those days we did not have smartphones with Google Maps. I felt lost as a child and neglected.

FFiII

When I hit the teen years I got into playing video games and I left public school, due to the harassment I received, and went to Christian School. I started enjoying some of the things I had. I love playing Final Fantasy III  and going skiing. I liked riding my bike down to a creek near the house. I miss childhood cause the less responsibilities, I am sure everyone feels the same. I also learned that helping others brings joy to your heart. I always went outside and mowed the lawn, raked leaves, and even shoveled snow without complaining.  My step-father liked that I would help out. Then he started to change.

When I was in high school and on the basketball team I didn’t always have time to do all the chores when he, my step-father, wanted them done. He would do them before I got home. I would go straight to doing the chores and my mom would tell me they were done. At first I was happy he was helping, but then he started saying things that were offensive as a joke. He would say, “Well you are to lazy to get them done.” or “Since you are always late I have to do it.”. Now the second was true to a point of view. Although if you have a scheduled practice at 4pm and done at 5pm and then get home by 5:30pm then you are not late, you’re late if you get home after that time like at 9pm.

After all this he started to get more ignorant and I started to like him less. I started think of my birth father. I wanted to see if he loved me. One day he took the step and called. I had just lost a job and had plenty of time. I was so happy and he came and picked me up since I didn’t have money. When I got the unemployment I started going. I was living with my mom and step-father at the time. I was wondering if there were going to be any conflicts. I kinda stopped seeing my dad when I got a job that was 12 hour shifts on nights. I also was going to college online and wanted to start a business. The only thing I thought about for those four years was work, college, and business. I worked paying bills into where I could. When college and work were on holiday shutdown I focused on business. Never had a minute in my day. It brought a lot of stress and my stubborness out. I told myself I should give up the business, but I did not until I got fired. Sometimes God tells us what to do and other times He makes it happen. The six months I was unemployed I should have called my father and got our relationship going again, but I was afraid that my mom and step-father would get angry. I did not need that at that time. It has been at least 8 years since I have seen my dad, it has not been 17 years like before I need to fix this before it happens again and it is my fault.

Having Someone to Talk to with Confidence

I believe we all have a family person or friend that we can tell anything to. What if the person you talk to tells another? It then becomes gossip. The first thing we should do is tell them we trust them and not to tell anyone else. It is a responsibility and they may not want it. I use to have that but then what I said was told to another person.

I know it is not easy to hear a person’s problems but we need to get our burdens off our chest to reduce stress. If not then there could be heart attacks, anger, criminal acts, or betrayal. I know when people identify common problems with me it makes me feel better because I am not the only one like this. I have had people talk to me about hard times in life. I listen and identify with them. Sometimes I can even give them some good advice or a suggestion how to deal with it from experience. We need not to be selfish we need to be selfless.

Doing Things You Don’t Like Because You Love Your Family and Friends

 

We all like some similar things and some entirely different things especially in mixed families. My step-father like bowling and so did I so sometimes we would go bowling together. One thing I really like was playing video games. My step-dad was way before the era of video games he is from the time TV first came out. I wanted him to play Mario Brothers with me when I first got it and he said he couldn’t do it. I wanted to teach him but he wouldn’t even try. It hurt that he wouldn’t be able to share an interest with me. When I was playing basketball I wanted him to come out and help me make shots. All I wanted was for him is to get rebounds at the net and to watch me and give me tips because he played in his childhood, never happened. I also liked watching Mighty Morphin Power Rangers when I got home from school. He got home about 15 minutes after the show started and took the remote. I started hiding the remote and not doing the chores so he would take it out. All I needed was 15 more minutes and he didn’t want to give me that so I had to be disobedient. Today we can record anything at anytime and watch it in another room and watch another channel as it is recording. Even though with technology being so much more advanced than 20 years ago I would still let my child watch a show as long as they were doing good in school, not being disobedient, and follow the schedule I set. I would always compromise if there was a show, a sports event, or maybe a friend calling from overseas. If you do something the same way all the time then you think you are always right. Sometimes we need to adjust what we do to make it better or to acknowledge we need a little change to beat repetition.

I didn’t always like taking care of the fire or bringing in wood during the winter. I got tired of it by early Spring but we still need to build one in the mourning and sometimes in the evening. I would take care of it not because it was my responsibility, but because I loved my parents. When I felt rejected from the family is when I stopped doing things like taking care of the fire and bring in wood. One thing I wanted to do for my step-father was get a cheap heat source installed and either help pay for it or pay it in full. Neither one would even look at the sources of heat that would be available to them. I eventually gave up. They want to build fires until they die then they can do it themselves is what I started to feel. I learned we just need to accept what others want. I guess the fire is good for him cause it does give him exercise. I just hope if they ever needed anything like new source of heat they would ask me.

We All Need Acceptance

 

It doesn’t matter who you are or what family you are in we all need acceptance in our life. The hard part is accepting parts of our life we do not want to happen, like the lost of a loved one.  I believe accepting the bad times like accepting the good times is the hardest challenge in life.

 

Check out more

Sometimes Family Cannot Live Together Because They Will Never Agree

4 Ways that Dads are Essential in the Lives of our Kids

What Should Not Be Said or Done When Parents and Adult Children Live Together

God’s Advice That Should Be Followed Throughout All Life: “Be Kind One To Another”

 

 

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4 Ways that Dads are Essential in the Lives of our Kids

I have had issues in my childhood and growing up into adulthood with my step-father. I read this article and I fully agree. I wanted to share it because I did not have a great childhood.

The main issue I had according to my source is I did not have enough play time, interactions, with my step-father. I agree with this because when I reached my teen years getting into sports he did not want to do anything with me. He set what he wanted to do higher than being a father to a “son”. Today I try to avoid him and not talk to him.

I am telling you this because there are so many divorces today. Children have step-parents, step-siblings, and half-siblings. When the children are growing up and when they become adults you, the parents, need to make them feel like part of they family. If they want to get involved in a social activity like football, boy scouts, girl scouts, band, or anything else that would help them in life, support them. Always listen to your children no matter what. When they are trying to tell you about their problems for the day or just something that is bothering them, listen. If you don’t then you are dwindling their respect, trust, and honor for you. They will always love you, but when they grow up into adulthood and have a big problem sometimes going to talk to mom is the best choice. If mom or dad loses trust then they will not go to the parents. If the parents lose respect no matter what the parents advise them they are more than likely to do the opposite. I was always taught as a child to respect my parents, but growing into adulthood I learned respect is earned. I also learned respect can be lost. I do agree one must always respect the ones higher than them, like parents or a boss, but that can be loss and then it is just tolerating the person. One of my favorite verses in the Holy Bible I am going share in closing. The last thing I want to say is always respect each other and show kindness to everyone. Maybe one day everyone will be happy.

For God So Loved The World- John 3:16

Source: 4 Ways that Dads are Essential in the Lives of our Kids – Proverbial Homemaker

Check out more

Woman Keeps Her Dog Locked In The Car, Police Officer Teaches Her A Lesson

Sometimes Family Cannot Live Together Because They Will Never Agree

Why Should the United States Ban Other Countries?

God’s Advice That Should Be Followed Throughout All Life: “Be Kind One To Another”

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