Are you the prophet of self-doom? Or do you let it slide and carry on regardless? Charles R. Swindoll said, “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” If we focus on a negative outcome in something in a negative fashion, you will subconsciously be asking for more […]
Their is a lot of negativity in life. Trust me I know it. I read this and need to pass it on. We all need to remain positive, because without positive attitude everything will start to dwindle.
When we get negative things tend to go wrong even more. That is because our mind believes nothing good will happen. We have less motivation on daily task. I will give an example… When I am in a positive mood I tend to come home and do a little cleaning, cook dinner, and even pay bills when needed. Although when I have a bad day and in a negative mood all I do is sit in front of the TV, get on Facebook, and have a easy dinner. You may be wondering how this applies to you? Well think what you do after a good day and a bad day. We are all different some drink, some listen to heavy rock, some just need alone time. Whatever you do on a bad day can get a lot worse if you get trickling down into depression. I have learned from my life challenges that we need to stay positive, especially how we talk around other people. A challenge for you and everyone is to eliminate all negative words and thoughts. The more positive you are the more positive the people around you will be.
A stepfather is not a true father. There is a way he can become a dad though. A dad is a man that teaches the son to play baseball, talk about sports, advise on getting the first girlfriend, and help them make difficult decisions in life but accepts their decision. It is hard when the stepfather does not do any of these and more. When a man gains enough trust to become father and then fails later in life they may lose the trust they had from the beginning as stepfather.
Dos and Don’ts A Stepfather Should Do
The reason I am writing this is because I am one of the 2/3 of the people of the United States in a divorced family. I have had good and bad times growing up, but looking back it seems to be more bad times. I hope a stepfather, mother, or child reads and shares this to help others out like all of us in broken families.
1. Stepfathers Don’t Criticize Your Stepchildren, Instead Complicate What They Do Well and Encourage Them Positively To Do Better.
Now I can hear everyone now, “I never criticize my stepchild.”. Well you may not think so, but I will guarantee if it has a negative word in it the child takes it negative.
When I was a child and my stepfather was teaching me how to use a drill I always had problems holding the drill straight and perpendicular to the board. He would always yell at me and tell me that is not the way you do it! I always felt like a failure, I could not make him happy, and if i could not do it then he should do it himself. He still really has not changed over the last thirty years, but you can.
Instead of talking negative, talk positive. Tell them they are doing a good job. Then ask them what are they doing right and what are they doing wrong. Whatever they say do not say NO. Let us say they are like I was as a child and could not drill straight through. Let us also say they do not mention they are drilling wrong. Well then ask them to show you how they drill without turning the drill on. As soon as you see the drill incorrect then ask them if they see anything wrong at this moment. If they continue to avoid the problem then tell them the drill is in the wrong position. It needs to be straight up and down so the drill goes through the wood nice and easy. Pointing out a problem is not being negative, it is actually positive because you are avoiding a problem by making the child aware. They may not listen the first few times, but eventually they will listen willing and not to stop you from yelling at them. When they listen to you a few times you will get respect from them and with respect comes trust and honesty. Also love is where all these emotions come from, so the more respect, trust, and honesty you get from your child the more love will grow.
2. The Difference in Generations Have a Bearing on What We Like on Television
Therecan be a pretty big gap in generations when it comes to parents getting remarried. There are many differences in generations. When I was a kid there was no internet, the Atari came out a couple years before I was born, I grew up playing the Nintendo, Sega Genesis, and Sony Playstation. I was in high school when the internet came to the home on dial up. Now there is PS4, Xbox, Netflix, and high speed internet no more weird sounds when getting online. Just think that was almost 40 years ago. What if I was married to a woman from 60, 65, or 70 years ago things were different before the 80’s.
It is not wrong to marry the person you love, rather it is your first marriage or second marriage. What is wrong is not taking in consideration the whole family. If it is a remarriage then the children need to be considered. A mate that is about your age would more than likely be better than one with a great age difference, rather they are 20 years older or younger. If it is a mate that is 20+ years difference then the children definitely need tested on how well they can relate.
One of the great things today is technology. One thing you can do is give them some alone time with their potential step parent and point a webcam at them to see how well they get along. They may behave or act differently with their parent there, so leaving the room is a good way to see their reactions. Do not need to make it all day. Just go get something from your car and watch it on your smartphone. You see problems from the child or potential mate talk to them to solve the problem. Also stepfather will be step father not dad. Give them the choice rather to use their name to address him, stepfather needs to treat the stepson with a little more love and respect, and there needs to be bonding. If this cannot begin before the marriage then he is not what is needed for the family. Mom is not marrying for a husband, but a husband and father. It is like buying a Big Mac combo. The Big Mac is hot and good, but the fries are old and cold. The Big mac represents the husband and the fries represent the stepfather. What would you do if you could not get fresh fries, toss them in the trash. You may eat the cold fries now and then because you are really hungry, starving for love, but eventually you will see the truth, that it is not worth to satisfy the hunger now and then you would rather have it fully satisfied. When this happens you will feel rejected from you stepfather. You may spend time trying to figure it out or you may just accept it and move on. It has taken me a long time to accept that I have never been accepted as a son. This year I have decided to move forward and live my life, my way, and follow Jesus Christ.
The difference in years may cause many conflicts. These need resolved before marriage or the family will fall apart and there will be no happiness. Some people are meant to be friends, not spouses.
We all need support everyday. It helps our confidence. That is why when we have a positive person with us at work the day goes great, but when a negative person is there it seems everything goes wrong. It is all in your mind. It is the same but different when growing up with a negative stepfather or one who does not support your decisions as you grow up.
I want to talk about video games. The reason is because i was so into them when growing up especially the role playing games (RPGs). My sister on the other hand enjoy playing video games, but she loved writing and still does it today. We both have a creative mind, but I am more of a visual and she has a greater imagination.
When I would be downstairs all day playing the video games my stepfather could not comprehend why I would play them all day. I would tell him that I put them on pause to eat. He took it too serious. One problem was he could and never did understand what a video game meant to us. It was intriguing, solving problems, reaching goals, beating things up, and just having fun. I tried to relate it to what he did as a child. I told him to think about the one thing you did as a child you did that was the most fun. Now today that is video games the most fun thing to do. He told me he didn’t have any fun. Well I do not believe that. The point is he would talk negative of what my interest was. When Facebook came around he talk down on that and he never even gets online. Speaking negative about everything your stepson has interest in hurts your relationship and hurts his emotions and confidence. Show him support to their interest, as long as they are legal, rather you have interest or understand it. Setting limits is a good thing. Especially while the child is still in school. You do not want them to get distracted chatting on Facebook when they need to be doing homework. Although they can be chatting with a friend to help them with their homework or to study. They need to make you aware what they are doing. I believe go over video on Facebook would be better to study with a friend than typing. Free up your hands to take notes, look through books, and do flash cards.
It is also great to know when you do a good job at any stage in life. It builds confidence. If you always get criticized you will develop a negative mind a think everything you hear is negative. Saying “thank-you” or “please” is not hard to do, but it means so much especially to a child. It makes them feel appreciated. Also an allowance as they grow up is good. Not only does it give them positive mind, but it can help them budget money for the future. I know with income vs. expenses these days it is not easy, but when it comes to lunch money, money for sports or band, camping, or any other extra expenses you have for them that you just hand them money for make them earn it. Give them chores and tell them that this money is for whatever you intend it for. That they need to save the money so they can get lunch, let’s say. Also tell them if they have any money at the end of the week they can keep it for whatever the want with your permission. This will help them learn when to spend and when to save. May even teach then to take a sacrifice for what they really want. It will just be like transferring money from a savings to checking account. Money is still in the bank, but will be spent. it takes responsibility off of you as well.
Conclusion Of StepFathers
When growing up from a child to teen to adult it can be hard when there is almost no support through the challenging times we have in life. When a boy does not have a man to bond with it feels like you are alone and fighting an endless battle. It takes a team to win the Super Bowl, not just one player. Family needs to be a team. They need to talk, agree on solutions, give a little to get a little, and to show love. I did not get much of this in my life, but I did learn from his mistakes. God works in mysterious ways.
I have been living with my parents for too long. It use to be nice. They would listen to my opinion, let me help them, and even let me live a private life; but that has all changed in the last six years. I feel like a mother does when her child grows up and leaves the nest. I feel like I am not needed or wanted anymore. I do not believe that is a fact though. They do need help but I need my independence and freedom. Maybe when I leave they will know I am not always there to help, maybe they would call one day and ask.
I wrote this letter below this year to express how I felt. I wanted to share this because everyone needs to realize the way you act influences others around you. When you are an inspiration in a person’s life, rather a parent, a manager, or a best friend, you can really hurt them when you turn negative towards them. When you have problems that are really hard on you talk to your friends, family, church, or therapist. It does really help. Be aware of how you speak. We need to see the positive side of the day. For example today it is cloudy and raining with a chance of freezing rain. This is a fact so do not look down on it like you cannot go out and do yard work. You may wounder why I say this? I say this because my neighbor chopped down a dying tree between our property line. He is out there right now, in the cold and rain, sawing the tree, now that is being optimistic. If you think you cannot do anything because it is cold and raining then you are a pessimistic. If you believe you need a jacket and maybe an umbrella to go outside then you are a realist. It is better to be a realist that leans to optimism because you need a good balance between being positive and reality. Six years ago I use to have that good balance now I am mostly a realist. I want to go back to being the way I was. Read the letter and let me know what your opinion is.
You are wondering why I refuse to speak to you and I am avoiding you. The reason is to avoid conflict and negativism. I am always argued with a fact or statement I say. I could say, “The sky is blue.” You would argue, “It is cloudy out.” Negativism is a negative or pessimistic attitude. A tendency to resist external commands, suggestions, or expectations, or internal stimuli, as hunger, by doing nothing or something contrary or unrelated to the stimulus. (Random House, Inc, 2015) This causes conflicts and it hurts me emotionally and mentally. This is just a minor thing, because I have come to a conclusion in my teen years that someone will always want to argue with another person. I did not expect it would be you arguing with me stating a fact. The main reason I decided never to be with you again is because I am not wanted with your family. I do not have a family in this house, I have no home. I have thought when I was in Harrisburg that I would be alone for a long time. I did not think it was forever and you and Gene would abandon me. I have nights I cry myself to sleep because I am all alone. I then remember the family I have, that are not blood, but are truly family. I have a brother, a little sister, a mom and dad, a quarky old guy, and a sister going to college. They feel like family. We have different opinions. We voice are opinions, but we do not yell at one another because we are different. We joke around and if one gets offend by a joke we apologize and never joke about it again. We do not require explanation of everything in our lives. We have our privacy and we respect each other by not intruding into another’s privacy. This is not special it is common in a family relationship it is known as respect. Respect is to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with. (Random House, Inc, 2015) What you need to know is… I would never refuse to watch a show if I just did not like it. I have done that every day. Common sense says if a person watches something he doesn’t like and refuses to watch a particular show that person must have an issue with that show. The answer to the question you probably have, yes I have a mental issue with Heartland. I have had nightmares just seeing the credits play and I left the room. If you wonder why, well join the club. I will never understand why Heartland is more important than I am. You made your choice and now you will have to live with it. One day I will be out of this state and never let you know where I am. That will be the day I will have the first day of peace in my life. Feeling Lonely and Rejected, Ryan Carson
There has been so many times in my life that my parents have bailed me out. I have had a difficult childhood, been rough getting out in the real World, and moving forward to goals I have had in the past. My parents have been there even when I did not ask. I have been there for them as well, but perspective is different from a person’s point of view. When I Was A Child I do not want you to think I…
There has been so many times in my life that my parents have bailed me out. I have had a difficult childhood, been rough getting out in the real World, and moving forward to goals I have had in the past. My parents have been there even when I did not ask. I have been there for them as well, but perspective is different from a person’s point of view.
When I Was A Child
I do not want you to think I had a bad childhood because of my parents. I have had it rough in finding friends, getting out to go places, and getting good grades. My biggest stress when I was a child was all the classmates I had harassing me everyday. I thank God for the friends I did have and they were there to back me. Looking back at those times in life I have learned one needs to stand for themself or they will be taken advantage.
I think one of the best things my parents did for me was teach me responsibility. Today I use it in my life and at work. I was given chores to do everyday. I did not think it was fair because I did not get paid an allowance. I always argued that they got paid to do their work, why don’t I? I still believe that children should get an allowance to teach them about budgeting and not wasting money. Although I do not think it should be for doing chores every day. When one is an adult they do not get paid to take out the garbage or wash the dishes. They are responsibilities to life. One being responsible is what a child needs to learn. Unfortunately it did not hit me until I moved out to go to college. That is when my childhood came to an understanding to me.
My sister always had pets, yes many pets. She learned responsibility by taking care of her pets like they were her kids. If you are a parent and your child wants a pet I will advise to get them one. I do not think you should get them a dog or cat to start off, a hamster will do.
When I Got My First Job
Things change in your life when you earn a paycheck. I remember my first job. It was at an Assisting Living facility. I was a dishwasher and helped serving on Fridays. When I got my first paycheck I wanted to go spend “my money”. I felt like I made an accomplishment for the week. I quickly started to learn to save money for expenses. My mother told me since I had a job I had to pay for the gas for my car and anything I wanted when I went to a basketball game. I understood and kept the money I needed for the week.
When I was getting eager to go to college I found a job that I could get more hours and better pay. I started at McDonald’s and I liked working in fast food. I mainly worked in the kitchen. I also did closing and during the summer I opened. It let me learn more about people and food safety. Starting life off is much more simple when it is in the past. It seemed complicated 20 years ago.
I did get harped at quite a bit from my parents about doing chores, my homework, and not watching television when I had things to do. Taking on more responsibilities in life falls all on you. There are ones in your family who should support you. I do not like or approve of all the lectures I got as a child. I have learned a lot growing up. If one yells or speaks negative to their child it tears down their motivation. The first thing most people will do is not listen. They will not do their chores, not study, and start talking negative. I am not saying to let your teenager do what they want, you need to teach them to prioritize. Prioritizing takes a positive attitude, so you need to talk positive. Here is an example:
Do not say- “You work and play those video games too much you will never get into college.”
Do say- “You are doing good in school. Your grades are B’s and C’s. I know you will get A’s and B’s if you put your mind to it. I will help you do a little more studying.”
Now in the “do not say” I blamed the video games. If it is not the video games I could blame Facebook, hanging with friends, or talking on the phone. It does not matter. It is denying responsibility that a parent has to take care of their child in their education. Also telling the child they will never get into college will bring them down to the bottom and they will give up all the hardwork they put into studying. Maybe the parent does not want their child to be successful because the parent was not successful.
The “do say” is encouraging. First thing is showing support that they are doing a good job and making the effort. “I know you will get A’s and B’s if you put your mind to it.” is an encouragement to do even better and it is followed by support by offering help. An offer is not an obligation. If your child does not ask you for help they may be getting it at school or being a little more serious. Are they spending more time studying, than on their video games?
Positive speaking and positive thinking affects you in life and at work. You need to focus on being positive because it makes you more productive. It also helps people around you feel better. Negative thinking brings you down and everyone else as well.
Working In Adulthood
Now that I am in adulthood I know about going through financial issues, helping friends, having stupid roommates, and the bills that we have every month. I always thought being an adult was awesome, it is but has responsibilities. We grow up everyday in life and we find another responsibility we need to do. Some can be a major one like monthly bills and others can not be a responsibility like going out to dinner with a friend. We all need to prioritize what is the most important in our life as far as financial. The everyday bills, food, rent, medical, and insurance are some of the most important bills. If you pay for cable and Netflix then you should pick on or the other. Look for better deals for your internet, car insurance, cell phone, and groceries. Just remember “A dollar saved is a dollar earned.”
